


You and I Can Stay Awake and Keep on Dreaming

by Moriartied



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/F, F/M, Forced Closeting, Gender Identity, Genderfluid, Genderfluid Harry, Genderswap, Girl Direction, Homophobia, Liam Payne uses social media too much, Liam and Niall are in another band, Light Angst, Lou and Veronica are in a band with Perrie and Leigh-Anne, Louis-centric, Non-Famous Harry, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Perrie and Leigh-Anne are awesome, Photographer Harry, Varying Pronouns, Veronica is somehow the mom friend, Zayn Malik is Veronica, genderfluid!harry, girl!Louis, girl!Zayn, lesbian louis
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-01
Updated: 2016-06-14
Packaged: 2018-05-24 01:43:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 31,306
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6136993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moriartied/pseuds/Moriartied
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louise Tomlinson is a member of a popular girl group, and a notorious party girl according to the tabloids, whose management continuously forces her into faux-mances to hide her sexuality. She's pretty much resigned herself to being forever alone, at least until her band fades from the spotlight, but fate seems to have other plans. Fate also sometimes goes by the name of Nicki Grimshaw, out and proud lesbian radio host, who has a side gig as an amateur yenta, and is determined to set Lou up. Enter H Styles, who might just be everything Lou is looking for and more.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> I never thought I would be writing a girl!direction fic, but here we are. This was an idea I couldn't get out of my head, and now I'm absolutely in love with it. I usually hate posting WIPs, but I'm on a roll with writing, and I'm hoping to keep up my motivation. Sooo if you like it, please leave feedback! I promise to post pretty quickly and I love you all in advance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to my lovely beta Elena, as always.

Lou wakes up to a door slamming and her first instinct is to reach for the baseball bat under her bed, until she remembers that Veronica has a spare key, and that they have plans for a massive brunch extravaganza this morning. The sun is brightly streaming through the curtains, and Lou knows she probably should have gotten up and showered at least an hour ago, but her bed is _so_ comfy and it's been _so_ long since she's actually been able to sleep in it for more than a couple hours at a time, so she's not moving until V physically drags her out from under the duvet.  
  
Which happens sooner than she'd like.  
  
"Get up you lazy bum. Did you go to sleep with makeup on again? You know that's awful for your skin. God, how would you even function without me?"  
  
Lou groans as Veronica lectures her, eyes squeezed shut and grabbing onto her pillow like it's going to keep her on the bed. She ends up on the floor, thankful for the fluffy rugs that saved her bum from bruising, and glares up at the dark haired girl.

  
"Shut up. If you're gonna yell, I'm trading in for a new best friend," she moans, eyes still shut against the blinding morning sun. She rubs her face with her sweater paws, smearing her eyeliner further down her cheeks. She can tell Veronica's shaking her head in disapproval, but at least she's stopped talking. Lou finally gathers the motivation to stand up, and trudges into the bathroom, shedding her clothes as she goes. The oversized sweater, tank top, and boxer shorts just add to the mess that already occupies the floor of her room.  
  
"I'll go put the kettle on," Veronica sighs from the bedroom.  
  
"Love you!" Lou calls back as she flings herself under the shower spray, washing away last night's club grime and rinsing an entire can of spray out of her short hair. Even after she's fully clean, she stands for a few more minutes under the water, letting it run down her body in nearly scalding waves.   
  
She hasn't checked her phone yet this morning, but it's pretty much the last thing she wants to do. She knows what the articles are going to say. She knows her Twitter is going to be blown up with mentions. She knows there will probably be a sad face text from her mum, and she just... can't handle it right now.  
  
Their tour ended barely a week ago, but dumped them straight into promo season. The new album is out in a couple weeks. Their single dropped last month, and it's not doing as well as their team hoped, so it's all about image and brand right now. Because it's never actually about the music, is it?   
  
It's their fifth album. Lou still gets struck by how absolutely insane that is sometimes. They'd pretty much been set up as a one hit wonder with their first bubblegum pop hit, but they're still here five years later somehow, selling out stadiums across the globe. You'd think that'd be enough for management to trust them just a little bit, but no, the people behind the scenes haven't seemed to grasp the concept that the fans love them for who they are, and don't need the constant tabloid fodder that their PR people shove down their throats.  
  
Lou steps out of the shower and wraps herself in a giant towel, checking the mirror to make sure she doesn't still look like a raccoon, and then trudging out to the kitchen to find V.   
  
"Hello my love. I'm sorry I snapped at you," she mumbles, wrapping her arms around the other girl's waist and resting her chin on her shoulder.   
  
Veronica runs her fingers through Lou's wet hair. "It's okay babes. I saw the Mirror."  
  
Lou groans, smushing her nose into V's back. "How bad is it?"  
  
Veronica studiously focuses on the strawberries she's slicing. "Front cover of you cursing out the paps, and that actor guy with his hands all over you in the backseat of the car."

  
Lou feels vaguely nauseous at the thought. Actor guy's name is Daniel or Brian or something--she can't hardly keep the stunts straight at this point--and he's on some failing American teen drama. So he's using Lou for publicity just as much as she's using him to keep up her image. Or rather, the image that's been forced upon her in the last couple years.   
  
She peels herself off of Veronica and climbs onto one of the bar stools at the counter. She's rubbish in the kitchen, so she lets V take over because having the fire department show up for the third time in a calendar year probably isn't going  go over well with management. She runs her fingers through her hair, tucking her angled fringe behind her ear.

  
"How are things with Liam?" she asks, because she doesn't really want to dwell on her tabloid coverage any longer.   
  
V shrugs, flipping over a piece of French toast in the pan with a spatula. "He's still pretty hung up on Sophia," she sighs, scraping off some egg that's splattered onto the stove top.   
  
Veronica and Liam have been dancing around their feelings for _ages_ and Lou's about ready to break her "no meddling" policy. She used to hate Liam, back when they first met in the infancy of stardom. Liam was the goody two shoes frontman of the group that had come in one spot ahead of them on the X Factor, and Lou was quite talented at holding grudges. But he's grown on her over the years, and the whole golden retriever thing was kind of endearing. If only he and V could ever get their shit together.

  
Lou wrinkles her nose. "She's so bland. A cardboard cutout has more personality," she jibes, more for Veronica's benefit than out of any real dislike for Sophia. She was fine, objectively. But best friend loyalty would always win out.   
  
V brings a plate of French toast over to the counter and leans in to kiss Lou on the nose. "Thanks babydoll," she says, lips twitching to fight back an amused smirk.   
  
Lou rolls her eyes fondly and reaches for a piece of toast.   
  
\--  
  
They're on Chatty Man that night, so once they've finished brunch and watched a couple episodes of some shitty E4 show, Lou gets dressed and starts to do her makeup, with Veronica perched on the bed behind her.   
  
"This is so stupid," she mutters as she dots her face with foundation. "I have to put on makeup for a damn car ride to show up at a studio and have someone completely redo it all." She winces as she jabs herself in the eye with the brush. "Just want to wear a goddamn hoodie and trackies without the Sun wondering if I'm pulling a Britney circa 2007."  
  
Veronica sighs with as much sympathy as someone who's heard this monologue sixteen hundred times can muster. Lou forgoes the eyeliner because she really can't be arsed, and just goes extra heavy handed with the mascara. She's still got some remnants from last night, or as she likes to think of it, a pre-made smokey eye.  
  
When they first started out, Lou was pretty much the Sporty Spice of the group, but when the rumors started to flare, suddenly her stage wardrobe was filled with dresses and mini skirts and the most god awful invention on earth, _panty hose_. No more adidas trainers, it was Louboutins and Manolos and constant pain. Lou wasn't cut out to be the Posh half of Posh and Becks, but after three years of this "image boost", she's, well, used to it, for better or worse.  
  
V just lets her bitch about it, meanwhile taking an excessive amount of snapchats and sending them to god knows who. Probably Liam, and the sillier ones to Perrie and Leigh-Anne, their other bandmates.  

Lou drags the lip gloss applicator across her lips and then smacks them together. Then she pops up from the boudoir and turns around. “Do I look human?” she asks, smoothing her satiny maroon top over tight leather leggings. 

“I'd do you,” V says without missing a beat, and Lou rolls her eyes.

“You didn't even look, you tit. What, is Liam sending dick pics?”

V glares, but her cheeks flush, and Lou’s eyes widen.

“Let me see!” she lunges for Veronica’s phone, but the other girl is too fast for her, bouncing up from the bed and scurrying out of the room.

“Too late, picture’s gone!” she shrieks when Lou tackles her in the hall. 

“Oh come on, like you didn't screenshot it.” She's not going to give up, or she wouldn't have, but then the buzzer rings which means the driver’s at the gate and they've got to go. Veronica looks smug as she shoves her phone safely into the back pocket of her skinny jeans.

“It wasn't even his dick, just his abs.”

If Lou rolls her eyes any harder she might stroke out. Well that's nothing special. Liam posts that nonsense on Instagram at least once a day.

The car takes them directly to the studio, where they meet up with the other half of their band for hair and makeup. Lou plants an obnoxiously loud kiss on Perrie’s cheek when she sees her, and bumps her hip into Leigh-Anne’s, grinning happily now that they're all reunited. It's only been about three days since they've all been together, but what can Lou say, she loves her girls.

It's crazy to think that they've only known each other for five years--since they were chosen to be a band on X Factor--because they all feel like family. And Lou doesn't really let people in easily. She's always had her guard up, careful as to which sides of her she allows people to see, but these three girls were thrown into her life one day, and now she's never going to let them go.

She scrunches her nose a bit at her own sappiness, and sits down in the salon chair between Perrie and Veronica, leaning back and trying to relax, letting the stylist work her magic while Perrie tells some story about a girl on Twitter who made an adorable video to ask her to prom. She glances over at Lou, smirk ghosting over her lips, and asks, “How much do you think Simone would shit herself if I said yes?”

Lou can't help her burst of laughter, even if it earns her a reprimand from the girl who's trying to do her eyeliner.

After they're all deemed appropriately glamorous, they've got to take promo shots for the show’s social media. Lou does her best to resist making silly faces at the camera, but ultimately can't help it, especially when she sees the crinkles by the eye’s of the photographer, who also seems to be failing at controlling their expression. When they make eye contact, Lou does an overexaggerated lick of her lip, and the photographer dissolves into silent giggles.

Veronica jabs her in the side and gives her that knowing arched brow that brings heat rushing to Lou’s cheeks. She is _not_ flirting, thank you very much. She just likes making people laugh. That's it. She's not at all thinking about how the photographer has no right to look that cute in a ripped jean, white v neck, farmer shirt combo. No, she's definitely not staring, wondering what they'd look like without the thick black frame glasses and their hair taken down from the loose bun it's bound in.

And she definitely doesn't walk decidedly out of her way as they’re leaving in order to bump into them, eyes wide and innocent of any agenda.

“Haven't seen you before, are you new in the business?” she asks, smoothly, and absolutely not tripping over her words.

It brings another smile to the photographer’s lips, and up close, Lou can see dimples in their cheeks.

“Filling in for Greg, yeah,” comes the response, and Lou is surprised by the melodic voice, an octave or so higher than she was expecting. She hadn't wanted to be rude, but she'd been trying to figure out if the photographer was a girl or a boy--not that it mattered, they were incredibly cute either way but she was just curious--and now she had an answer. Or at least another clue. She wasn’t going to assume anything until she was explicitly told. Too many people assumed things about her for her to ever turn that on anyone else. She knew how it felt. 

“I'm Louise,” she says, even though the photographer probably knew that. She doesn't like to sound conceited about her level of fame though.

“Tomlinson, I know. I'm kind of a fan.” 

Lou’s eyebrow shoots up. “Only kind of?” she gasps, and that crinkly smile is back, dimples and all. 

“Alright, a pretty big fan,” they admit sheepishly. “I'm Harry, by the way.”

Someone from the team is calling to Lou from the doorway, saying they're needed for sound check, so she groans and looks back at Harry apologetically.

“Really nice meeting you,” she says genuinely. “I'll see you around I guess?”

Harry smiles. “Sure. Good luck out there.”

  
Lou grins. “Thanks,” she says, turning away with a little wave, and definitely not tripping over her feet on her way to the door. Her cheeks are still bright red when she rejoins her bandmates on the stage, and she knows V is dying to ask, but they're in work mode now. Lou does her best to focus on her harmonies and not on the dimpled photographer, but it's futile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter two coming tonight, just need to proofread. Let me know what you think!
> 
> I also exist on [tumblr](http://adidasandangelwings.tumblr.com).


	2. Chapter Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ditto the notes from the last chapter. Let me know what you think, and motivate me to keep writing! Many thanks.

A couple days later, Lou’s at a party at Nicki Grimshaw’s. Who knows what they're celebrating, but she'd gotten a voicemail the day before saying she _absolutely must be there, or she's officially_ _unfriended_ ,and Lou isn't really sure when she and Grimmy reached friendship level to start with, but the radio dj does throw decent parties, so she shows up a fashionable hour late. The party is in full swing, and Lou mostly recognizes everyone here. She finds Ed over by the bar jumps on his back, wrapping her legs around his waist. 

“Boo!” Ed bellows when he realizes who the spider monkey on his back is. Lou scrunches up her nose at the nickname, but it's Ed, so she won't complain. He's like a brother to her, honestly. He lets her down after a moment and spins her into his arms, smacking a wet kiss to her forehead.

“Glad you're here,” he grins, then calls out to the bartender over her head for another round of tequila. Well, getting right to it then. Lou raises her glass in a toast when it's handed to her, and then tips it back, wincing slightly at the burn. It's been a while since she could truly let loose. This party is a no photo zone, and she plans to make the absolute most of it, because she won't have to deal with the Daily Mail repercussions in the morning.

 After chatting with Ed for a few minutes, she heads off to find the hostess, knowing she'll probably be dead center of the swarm of people in the flat. And sure enough, she finds Nicki standing on a couch, phone in hand hooked up to the speaker system. 

“Hey dj, can I request a song?” Lou shouts up to her over the noise of the room. Nicki’s eyes go wide when she sees her and she reaches down to haul her up onto the couch.

“Lulu you made it!” she kisses her on the cheek, probably leaving a big purple lipstick stain, but Lou is feeling good from the beginning of a tequila buzz combined with the general vibe of the party, so nothing is really phasing her.

Nicki’s eyes flick up and down her body, clearly judging her choice of outfit--black skinny jeans with a long sleeved adidas crop top--but she seems to approve in the end, and links arms with Lou, leaning closer to be able to actually converse in normal tones.

“Hey there's someone here you should totally meet,” she says. “I think you two will really hit it off.”

Lou’s skeptical, because while she knows Nicki is probably well meaning, she never really likes being set up, even if it's for friendship. She hates when things feel forced, and she’d feel like she owed it to Nicki to try, even if it was awful. But she sighs and braces herself as Nicki turns her around and nudges her in the direction of a girl standing by herself near the entryway to the kitchen. She doesn't look uncomfortable though, just kind of lost in her thoughts as her eyes travel unfocused across the crowd.

Lou's squints and looks closer. There's definitely something familiar about the girl, who’s wearing a pretty floral print bodycon dress, with her dark hair curling onto her shoulders, but Lou can't quite place it.

Nicki bumps her hip. “Go on, go ask her to dance,” she teases, and smacks Lou on the bum. Lou rolls her eyes, but hops down off the couch and makes her way through the crowd.

She smooths out her fringe and grabs two cocktails from a tray on the way over. The girl is typing on her phone when Lou reaches her, and it takes her a moment to realize someone is there. 

“Oops. Hi!” she says looking up.

Lou’s eyes widen, and ‘dimples!’ is the only word present in her brain at the moment.

 “H-hi,” she says, all of her smooth pickup lines having flown out the window. “Um, drink?” she holds up one of the glasses, and thankfully the girl takes it, so Lou can take a huge gulp of hers.

The girl watches her with poorly concealed amusement, and it's clear she isn't going to say anything, so Lou finishes her drink and bites the inside of her cheek. 

“We've um, met, I think. The other day at Alan Carr. You're Harry, right?” she asks, and it's a miracle she doesn't stumble all over her words. The girl in front of her is absolutely stunning. Nearly unrecognizable from the person she'd seen behind the camera at the studio. Harry’s hair falls in soft ringlets, a little past her shoulders, and the dress hugs her thin torso and curved hips, the top dipping low to reveal just a hint of cleavage, and holy shit, _boobs_. Lou is doing her best not to blatantly stare and nearly misses when Harry speaks.

“Harriet,” she corrects, softly. 

Lou’s gaze shoots up to her face, blinking. She's even more confused now, but she's not about to ask, because god that would be ignorant, and she honestly doesn't care what Harry-- _Harriet’s_ \--gender identity is, she just really really doesn't want them to hate her.

She gathers some of her wits and flashes Harriet her best charming smile. “So you're a friend of Nicki’s?” she asks. Some of the tension seems to dissipate, to Lou’s relief.   

“Yeah, I interned at Radio One back in uni. Nicki’s been kind of a mentor to me since then I guess.”

Lou smiles. She and Nicki might have their differences, but she knows the dj is a good egg, all things considered. Most of their arguments are just banter anyway, and of all the people in the entertainment business, Grimmy is one of the ones she trusts most. 

“Awesome,” Lou says, toying with her empty drink glass because she suddenly doesn't know what to do with her hands. “Are you here with anyone?”

Harriet shakes her head. “You?”

Lou shakes her head as well. It's a rare occurrence that she's not flanked by an entourage of bodyguards and PAs and managers, but the powers that be grudgingly deemed this event safe, so Lou is blissfully on her own.

Suddenly Harriet lets out a snort of laughter, her eyes twinkling as she looks at something over Lou’s head.

“Grimmy’s making some some kind of obscene gesture,” she explains at Lou’s confusion. “I think we've been set up.”

Lou rolls her eyes. “I'm sorry about that. She's been trying to get me to date someone for ages.”

Harriet's brow knits. “Haven't you? Dated someone I mean.” 

For a moment Lou has no idea what she's talking about until she remembers Ellis, the guy she was supposedly dating for three years, until a few months ago.

“Uh, no actually.” She looks down sheepishly. She can practically hear the lecture from management, about the fact that she's telling this complete random that her supposed ‘loved-up long term relationship’ was a sham, but somehow she feels like she can trust Harriet. She runs her fingers through her hair. “It was all fake. He was… whatever the boy version of a beard is.”

“So you're… not into guys?” Harriet asks carefully, and Lou looks up to see her biting her lip.

She shrugs, trying to feel like this isn't a huge deal. She's awful at talking about these things. It took her years to even start to get comfortable with the topic of sexuality. She knows objectively that she doesn't have anything to fear from Harriet, but that doesn't make the words come any easier to her tongue. 

“I… I think boys are nice to look at… But I can only really see myself dating a girl,” Lou crosses her arms over her bare midriff, tugging her sleeves down over her hands.

Harriet smiles softly. “Hey, if I'm overstepping, just tell me. I don't want to make you uncomfortable, I'm just curious is all.”

Lou nods. “You're fine,” she assures. “Honestly I'm just not used to being open about all this. I can count on two hands probably the number of people who really know anything about me.” 

“You mean those exclusive reports in the Sun aren't true?” Harriet teases, and Lou can't help but laugh.

“I swear to god, I'd punch that Danielle Wootton in the tit if I ever was in a room with her. She's so far up Simone’s ass it's not even funny.” Lou shakes her head and there's a content silence for a few moments. “But no, hardly anything you've probably read about me is true.” She feels a little bit sick as she thinks about her public reputation. Or maybe that's the mix of sugary cocktails settling in her stomach. She must show her discomfort on her face, because Harriet reaches out to tentatively rest her hand on her upper arm, fingers stroking lightly.

“I didn't think so,” she says, shifting a bit closer to Lou. “I've followed you guys since X Factor,” she admits. “I've seen how they made you change… I'm sorry. No one should have to go through that.”

Lou scoffs, head dropping down so her fringe shields her eyes. “It's not like I fought back. I knew what I was getting into, and I agreed to it. Guess that makes me just as shallow as the tabs say I am.”

Harriet squeezes her arm. “I don't believe that for a minute.”

The mood is way too serious for a house party. They must be giving off downer vibes, because suddenly Nicki is there with a round of drinks held precariously between both her hands, and she's rolling her eyes at the two of them, muttering something about how she'd known they'd have a lot in common.

Lou chugs some sickeningly sweet mixture of too many alcohols and lets Nicki drag her back to the center of the room, which has become a makeshift dance floor. Harriet gets pulled in the opposite direction by one of Nicki’s posh hipster friends.

The rest of the night is mostly a blur, but Lou somehow ends up in her own bed, naked and once again with a full face of makeup, likely to be miserable in the morning, but she doesn't mind as much this time. For the first night in a while, she was completely in control of her life, and she’d sort of forgotten how great that felt.

\-- 

The morning after Nicki’s party, she wakes up to a couple dozen notifications on her phone, and at first she wonders if someone leaked photos after all, until she realizes that 90% of them are from Grimmy herself.

She reads through them, most of them bitching about how she left without saying goodbye, then a couple regarding potential brunch plans for Sunday, and the final one reading: **H asked for ur number. U 2 would be good 4 each other.**

Lou’s heart definitely doesn't start pounding faster in her chest.

She has a couple texts from her mum, thanking her for the outfits she sent for the twins, and asking when she's coming to visit next. She checks her calendar and then suggests a weekend about a month from now, after the album’s out and their promo schedule relaxes.

Then she sees the final text, from an unknown number, and bites her lip as she opens it.

**Hey, great seeing you again. If you want to chat, or just someone to hang out with, no pressure, you know where to find me. xx H**

She reads it over at least six times before saving the contact under ‘Dimples’ because she realizes she doesn't even know Harry/Harriet’s last name. It only takes her another twenty minutes to actually reply. She'll blame most of that on the hangover, but really she's never been more nervous crafting a text.

**Hey! Great to see you too ! Crazy coincidence that we both know Nicki. I'd love to hang out sometime. How do you feel about football?**

She gets a response less than a minute later and her heart is practically going to leap from her body her pulse jumps so fast.

**Watching or playing? I support Man U.**

**Well thank god you didn't say Chelsea. I've got tickets to the Liverpool-Arsenal game next Saturday, and no one wants to go with me. Box seats and a private entrance, so I can bring whoever I want. You in?**

The response takes a little longer this time, and Lou starts to get worried that this wasn't what Harriet was hoping for in terms of hanging out. But then her phone buzzes in her hand.

**I'd love to. You sure this isn't going to cause any trouble for you with your management?**

Lou sighs. Probably, but she suddenly can't be arsed to worry. Getting to know Harriet better seems worth the risk. 

**It'll be fine. I'll send a car to pick you up.**

Her hands are shaking when she drops her phone down onto the bed. It's not a date. Lou has no business feeling this nervous about a simple footie game. She groans and flops back against the pillows. This is probably a very very bad idea.

  
She'll blame it entirely on the dimples.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments are very much appreciated!
> 
> I also exist on [tumblr](http://adidasandangelwings.tumblr.com).


	3. Chapter Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 3 as promised! Thank you to everyone who's read and left feedback so far. I know these chapters are short, but I'm planning on updated every day or every other day, and posting the chapters as I write is just my way of motivating myself to keep going.
> 
> Anyway, let me know what you think! Encouragement to continue is always appreciated :]

Veronica knows something’s up, and she won't let it go until Lou caves.

“You're smilier than I've seen you months. Did you get laid at Grimmy’s party?” she asks the minute she gets Lou alone after their Capital Breakfast interview.

Lou shakes her head. “Honest,” she says when Veronica gives her that skeptical eyebrow. “It's way lamer than that.”

V groans, but she lets it go for the moment. She's too busy decoding Liam’s emoji comment on her latest Instagram post anyway.

Lou has no idea what she even said to Dave Berry this morning. She's pretty sure she flubbed up when he asked her about Daniel, but Perrie came to her rescue as usual, sniping sarcastically, “Well they got froyo together, they're obviously getting married.”

She had slept through two alarms this morning, and only woke up to Veronica calling her, the ringtone set to an obnoxious dubstep version of the Tetris song for unknown reasons. Lou would have bitched her out about it, but honestly it saved her ass. She was notoriously late to start with, so if she'd slept any longer, she would have missed the breakfast show all together.

She'd slept pretty restlessly, her sleep filled with dreams, but only bits and pieces of them remained in her memory when she woke up. The only thing she knows is that dimples featured heavily in just about all of them, including one particularly… interesting one. Her cheeks flush when she thinks about it.

It's Monday, which is three days since Grimmy’s party, and she can't get Harry/Harriet/H off her mind. She just wants to know more. She wants to know how they can look so damn good in frat boy attire, and then turn around the next day and rock a club dress. It's absolutely unfair what that's doing to Lou, but she has to keep reminding herself that they're just friends. She doesn't want a relationship right now. She doesn't want to drag someone else into her shit. It wouldn't be fair to force someone back into the closet, to make them sneak around, to never be able to even hold their hand in public.

It's Monday, which is five days from the next time she gets to see H--entirely too long, and at the same time, not nearly long enough to properly prepare herself. Their two conversations have been incredibly brief, and they haven't texted since making plans for the match. Lou supposed that's just as much her fault as anyone's, and curses the internalized misogyny that dictates she shouldn't be the one to text first.

God, this is at least 20% of the reason she's stayed away from relationships for so long.

So she sits staring at her phone for the entire car ride back to her flat, wondering what the heck she can even say. “Hey, so, just wondering, what's your contour routine because damn those cheekbones are flawless.” Or “So I've never actually been with a girl before. Or a guy! What uppp virginity.”

She smacks her head against the tinted glass window. She ends up writing “Good morning” with the little blushing smiley emoji, and doesn't look at her phone again until she gets home.

**You're up early!**

**Work stuff?**

Are the two texts she receives as she kicks off her shoes in the entryway of her room. She can't help the soft smile tugging at her lips as she types back.

 **Capital Breakfast. Don't listen.**  

She can see H typing back immediately, and her smile grows. She shuffles into the kitchen, putting on a kettle and then stripping out of her tight skirt and leather jacket combo and throwing on an oversized Rovers jersey.

**Are you alright?**

She curls up on the couch with her mug of tea in one hand and phone in the other. 

**Yeah, yeah I'm good. Just sounded like an idiot. Didn't really sleep much.**

H’s next two texts come in rapid succession.

**One of those five guys you supposedly took back to your hotel room?**

**Sorry, that wasn't funny. I know the Sun is trash.**

But Lou is laughing, burning her mouth as she inhales her tea too fast.

 **God, one of the guys in that picture was my little** **_brother_ ** **. What kind of idiot believes any of that drivel?**

H takes a bit longer to reply this time.

**I certainly don't. Get some sleep, Lou. I know you must be exhausted. I'm really looking forward to Saturday.**

**Sweet dreams. xx H**

Lou rereads the texts until they're practically engraved in her memory, a smile plastered on her face as she curls up on the couch and sleeps much more peacefully this time.

\--

The rest of the week is a whirlwind of interviews, performances, meetings and papwalks. Lou and Daniel go grocery shopping at Tesco, because apparently her publicity people are actually pushing the relationship angle over the casual hookup. Lou isn't sure which is worse. She knows she looks miserable in the pap pics, but she’s 800% done with even trying to make this look believable.

No one is surprised when she gets called into a private meeting at the end of the week.

She shows up in joggers and a frayed hoodie, a scowl etched into her expression.

“What exactly are you trying to accomplish?” a random handler--whose name she can't remember but she thinks it might be Rachel or Monica…or Chandler?--asks.

 “Nothing. Just trying to live my life.” It's impressive that she resists the urge to pull out her phone and text H some snarky comment about the size of the stick up her handler’s arse. She fidgets with her sleeves instead.

 “We put a lot of work into securing this relationship, and we can't have you out there making us look like fools. You need this.”

 Lou stares at the woman. “ _I_ need this? Show me where I asked for any of this. Literally no one cares who I'm dating or sleeping with or whatever. You all think this is helping our brand or something, but do you even listen to the fans? They see right through all this stunt bullshit.”

 It's not the first time she's had this outburst at someone in charge. And it appears this particular team member has already been the target of her frustration, because it doesn't even phase her.

 “The band needs to stay relevant while you're not touring. The numbers on the single aren't anywhere near where we expected them to be, so everyone is going to have to do their part,” she says, aggravatingly calm.

 “Or you could like, promote the single like normal people do. Release our video at an awards show. Hype up the release date. You know, anything else.” She's practically seething. This has always gotten to her, but somehow today she's just not having any of it. She's feeling particularly combative, maybe because this woman is refusing to crack. Lou is used to causing a scene and getting everyone to react to her. She's not used to stone faced apathy, and it's making her want to scream. 

“I’d appreciate if you didn't tell me how to do my job. You're just a pretty faced pop star. You don't know anything about the business side of things.” 

That's the final straw for Lou. Oh, she knows _plenty_ about the music industry. And this little sack of shit in knock-off Prada is about to get what's coming to her.

Or she would, if Lou's phone didn't go off just then, before she could finish the thought. 

It's just Veronica asking if she wants to come over later, because her new puppy is arriving today, but it's enough to calm Lou down and remind her that proving her point is not worth the repercussions management will likely have in store for her. And she doesn't want to have to cancel her plans with H, so she just sighs and returns her attention to Robot Rachel.

“Fine. Whatever. I'll play along. But can we at least do something more entertaining that food shopping? I mean, I can only buy so many boxes of tea.” 

The woman rolls her eyes, and it's the first genuine human reaction Lou’s seen from her, so she'll take that as a victory. She stalks out of the conference room, snagging a scone and an apple juice from the table on the way, and texts V back that she'll be there in twenty minutes.

\-- 

After they've completely exhausted the Husky puppy and themselves, Veronica finally gets Lou to spill what she's been keeping to herself for the past week. She's laying back against on arm of the couch, her knees bent up and her feet on either side of Veronica’s hips as the other girl sits up with the sleeping puppy in her lap.

“I...met someone,” she confesses, and that feels like a really big deal even though there's nothing actually going on.

V’s eyebrows shoot up. 

“Oh my god? Really? Okay, details. You have to tell me everything.”

Lou chooses to ignore the surprise in her voice. “They're a friend of Grimmy’s,” she explains. “Well actually I met them when we were on Chatty Man? But then they were at Nicki’s party too. We've been texting a bunch. Going to a footie match tomorrow.”

“That's awesome, Lou. I'm really happy. So when's the wedding?”

 Lou knows she's just teasing, but it still makes her stomach flip for just a second. She's so conflicted, because on one hand, the last thing she wants to do is drag someone into this mess--promise things she can't give, force someone to hide part of themselves like she has--but on the other, she's so so in love with the idea of actually being with someone, of getting to experience the feelings she sees on TV or in the relationships around her. She's always been a romantic. Always wanted stability and love and a family. The past few years may have made her a bit jaded and disheartened, but she hasn't quite given up on her fairytale.

But then, of course, there's the fact that she doesn't even know if H is interested.

She sighs and leans her head back against the armrest of the sofa. “We’re just friends. They're really sweet… And I just, it's nice to have someone to talk to who I feel like I can trust, you know?”

Veronica nods. Then after a moment, she furrows her brow. “You keep being vague with pronouns… Have you turned straight on me?” 

Lou groans. “First of all, you can't just turn straight. And no, I'm still very much into girls. I um, I don't actually know what they identify as? Because I met them as Harry, but then the next time they were Harriet, and they've never really said anything either way, so I don't want to misgender.”

Veronica looks like she has no clue what Lou is even talking about, but she accepts it regardless. Lou could go on a three hour rant about identities and expression and whatnot--she's actually incredibly knowledgable about the lgbt community, even if she can't vocalize it publicly-- but she's sure it would be lost on V right now, and it's not really the point.

  
The point is, Lou might be way more fucked than she'd initially thought, because she can't get Veronica’s wedding comment out of her head, and _god_ this is not at all what she needs right now. _Friends_ , she reminds herself. _Just friends._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments make me smile.
> 
> I also exist on [tumblr](http://adidasandangelwings.tumblr.com).


	4. Chapter Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to try to update every other day. I know the chapters are short and I apologize. My attention span doesn't exist, so this is the pace that works best for me. 
> 
> Kudos and comments are much appreciated!

She only takes two hours to decide on an outfit for the game, eventually tugging on a fitted jersey over her black jeggings, and pairing the look with a leather jacket and heeled booties. She’s meeting H at the stadium, which is good, because she would have been dreading the awkward car ride. Instead she ends up shitposting in the band groupchat to calm her nerves. Perrie sends her a bunch of angry emojis after the seventh meme she posts, and it's a good thing that that's when they arrive at the field.

 She hasn't even thought about how she's expecting H to be dressed until she's standing at the private celeb entrance, waiting for the other car to arrive. Not that it matters, but she can't help her curiosity. When the black SUV finally pulls up to the entrance, Lou composes herself to try not to appear overeager, but at the same time, she doesn't want to seem bored or disinterested. It's a careful balance, and she doubts she's been successful.

H gets out of the back seat, and the first thing Lou notices is that their hair is tucked up under a bright green beanie. Lou smiles and lifts her hand in a wave. H is wearing a denim jacket over a fitted button down and black skinny jeans, their hands tucked into the jacket pockets.

“Hey!” Lou greets as the car pulls away. H follows her in through the door to the stadium, where her bodyguard is waiting to take them to their seats.

“Hey,” H replies warmly.

“This is Alberto,” she says, gesturing to the big hulk of man who keeps her safe from mobs of fans and paparazzi. “He's super chill.”

H smiles and holds out their hand. “Pleased to meet you Alberto. Harry Styles.” 

And there's two questions answered at once. Lou know knows H’s last name, and that today appears to be a masculine day. Which is totally fine with her.

She feels tiny as she walks with Harry and Alberto to the elevator. She’s glad she wore heels, because Harry is a good six inches taller than her, which shouldn't fill her belly with warmth, but yet here she is again.

The box is empty aside from an attendant who offers them drinks when they walk in. Lou feels a bit embarrassed, as she always does when she's given special celebrity treatment, and simply thanks the girl and asks for a bottle of water, before going over to the window.

“The view is great from here,” Harry comments behind her, and she nods.

“Yeah,” she agrees, chewing on her lip as she looks down at the field. “I remember when I was little and I'd save up for weeks for the five quid nosebleed seats. League One, of course. Donny’s never made it to Premiere.”

Harry joins her at the window, smiling softly. “It's cool that you're so loyal to your hometown. Most people, they make it big and they never look back.” 

Lou looks down, pressing her lips together.

“I don't get back as much as I'd like,” she admits.

Something about Harry makes her completely forget about the facade she's had to keep up for the media, and nearly everyone she's met, for the past five years. It's a relief to be able to be honest like this, but simultaneously terrifying. 

Harry reaches out for her hand, twining their fingers together and squeezing lightly.

“It's okay. I know you're doing your best, it can't be easy,” he says, and Lou feels a tightness in her chest as she looks down at his big hand dwarfing hers. She's never really felt small **\--** even though she's definitely not the 5’4” that her Wikipedia page claims--because she was always loud and boisterous, completely owning any space she was present in. Size didn't matter when she could get all eyes on her with witty comments and theatrics. But now, standing next to Harry, she feels tiny and vulnerable, and the scariest part is that she's not sure she doesn't like it.

She feels herself blushing and looks away, pretending to be very interested in the player bios running across the scoreboard. 

“I'm going to see my mum in a few weeks,” she remembers, and the thought brings a smile to her face. “Hopefully my brothers will all be there too, but who knows. They're so grown now.” 

Harry is still looking at her, soft smile just barely showing his dimples. “That sounds really nice.” He seems genuinely happy for her, and not just placating her like the sycophants around her usually do whenever she mentions something personal.

And they're still holding hands.

“What about you?” Lou asks, her natural instinct to keep things light kicking back in. “What's your family like?”

Harry shrugs. “Mum, step-dad, older sister. Pretty basic. They're in Manchester now, but I grew up in Cheshire.”

“Sounds nice,” Lou says. She loves her big family, but sometimes it's a little overwhelming. Especially as a kid, being significantly older than her siblings, and having to act as a surrogate parent half the time.

“Mmhm.” 

“So how'd you end up in London?” 

“Came here for uni. I never finished my degree, but I made a lot of connections through my internships, so things have worked out pretty well.”

Lou has a brief awful thought that maybe Harry is only interested in her for the industry connection, but the moment it even enters her mind she hates herself. She can't believe she's become so jaded and distrustful. Harry hasn't given her any reason to doubt his motives. 

The match is starting, the teams are lined up at the midline, so Lou suggests they sit down, even though it means Harry is going to let go of her hand. The attendant brings their drinks as they get comfortable, and Lou does her best to keep her eyes on the game and not on the boy next to her. Harry's face is all sharp angles, but there's a softness there that Lou can't get enough of. The dimples, the smooth cheeks, but then the chiseled jaw, and harshly defined collarbones. She thinks about how Harry’s hands swallow hers up, and wonders how it would feel to have his arms wrapped around her. 

As she follows that train of thought into a land of rainbows and butterflies, she misses the fact that Harry has asked her another question.

“Hm?”

Harry laughs, but she thinks he sounds more on the endeared side of amused, and she'll take it.

“Are you excited for the album release?” Harry repeats his question.

“Oh, yeah, I am. Nervous though. It's the first one we've really done a significant amount of writing on, so like, it's a bit of a different sound. The label is worried it's going to flop, but I’m optimistic.” She shrugs. “And even if it does, I'd rather go down with something I'm proud of rather than something that doesn't represent who I am at all, you know?”

Harry nods. “I know what you mean. I can't wait to hear it. Will you tell me which songs you wrote?” 

Lou laughs a little, shaking her head. “No. Don't want you to be biased. You'll have to guess.”

Harry smiles fully this time, dimples on display. “I think I'll be able to tell.”

“O-ho, cocky, are we?”

“Confident,” he shrugs.

They spend the rest of the match in light conversation, getting to know the little things about each other, like favorite food, and ideal day off, and their thoughts on the Kardashian-Jenner family. 

Lou has a lot of unanswered questions, but she doesn't want to ruin the comfortable mood, so she tucks them away for another time. Talking to Harry is so easy that it barely registers that Arsenal’s won the match.

Harry holds the door for Lou on the way out, and it takes everything in her not to swoon. She prides herself on being a strong modern woman, and looks down on chivalry as cleverly veiled misogyny, but there's something about Harry. She knows he's not doing it because he thinks any less of her, he's just being considerate. So for the first time in her life, she just accepts it, and lets someone do something nice for her because she knows they don't have any ulterior motives.

She also realizes she's spent several minutes analyzing someone opening a _door_ , and god, when did she become Carrie Bradshaw?

They say goodbye before leaving the building, lingering and drawing it out for as long as possible until Alberto tells them they need to go. Then Harry swoops in and wraps his arms around her, hugging her briefly before pulling away. “I had an amazing time,” he says, adjusting his beanie. “I'll see you soon.”

She watches him leave, trying to ignore the way her skin feels warm and tingly from his embrace.

\--

The next morning, Lou has brunch with Nicki which she’d postponed from the week before. She shows up at the address Nicki gave her to find some hipster hole-in-the-wall cafe that better not be vegan, because she needs some damn bacon.

Nicki’s already there, sitting at the table with her phone out, snapchatting selfies of her new hair--side shaved and lilac tipped--while two champagnes flutes of mango mimosas sit on the table in front of her. Lou plops herself down and Nicki doesn't even look at her until she's snapped pictures of three different poses. Lou supposes she'll see them when she checks her story later.

Finally Nicki sets down her phone, smiling and waving at Lou like she hasn't been sitting there for three minutes already. 

“Hiya!” 

“Hey,” she says, significantly more subdued than Nicki is, since she hasn't had any caffeine this morning, and even though she got a good night’s sleep, she probably could have stayed in bed for at least six more hours.

“Sooo how was it? The match?” Nicki asks as she opens the menu. Lou had finally told her about her plans with H after several days of pleading texts wanting to know if they were going to see each other again. 

“Good. It was really good.” 

Nicki rolls her eyes. “I need more than that, sweetcheeks. Did you two get hot and heavy in the VIP box?”

“No!” Lou shrieks, then lowers her voice as several of the other diners heads swiveled to stare at them. “No, it's not like that at all. We just talked. We’re friends.”

“Oh honey.”

This is why Lou hates Nicki Grimshaw.

She takes a few gulps of her mimosa. “I'm serious. I can't even think about a relationship right now.” 

Nicki sighs. “Fine, fine. You two would be perfect for each other, just saying.”

Lou ignores her in favor of picking out a dish from the menu. She’s only even looking so she doesn't have to respond to Nicki, since she already knows she going to order a traditional fry up. She double checks the menu though, just to make sure it's real meat and eggs and not some sad substitute.

Thankfully Nicki changes the topic to gossip about her coworkers, and Lou’s interest is less than zero, but it's better than talking about herself. They make it nearly through the meal without the conversation turning back to H. She keeps catching herself thinking “Harry,” because that's the name they preferred yesterday, but she can't assume anything, and even though H isn't here to correct her, it still feels wrong to assign a gender when she's not positive.

“Do you like them, though?” Nicki asks. “Like forgetting about all your weird hangups, would you date them?” 

Lou rests her fork on her plate, swallowing slowly the potato she was chewing.

“I like them, yes. I've never dated anyone, so I don't even know what that would be like. I don't know what I want.” 

Nicki has a cryptic look on her face, staring intently at Lou.

“Just don't write them off, okay? I want you to be happy. I think you should keep yourself open to the possibility.”

Lou shrugs, pushing the rest of her hash around her plate. “Sure,” she says, with minimal conviction. “Just don't want anyone to get hurt.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback is much appreciated! I need approval to survive.
> 
> I also exist on [tumblr](http://adidasandangelwings.tumblr.com)


	5. Chapter Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope everyone is having a lovely evening. I was super busy yesterday, so I didn't finish when I said I would, but here it is now! Let me know what you think. Comments are very appreciated <3

Lou is still awake at three in the morning. She has to be up in a couple hours, but she can’t seem to get comfortable in her bed. Even a glass of warm milk hasn’t done anything to help, and she’s starting to get frustrated. Flipping her pillow over for the fifth time, she groans and buries her face in it. Finally she reaches for her phone, pulling up her conversation with H. She hesitates just a moment before typing.

**Hey, you up?**

She doesn’t get a reply for a few minutes, so she almost gives up and tries once again to get to sleep, but then her phone buzzes and a message notification appears.

**Mmhm. What’s up? Everything alright?**

She doesn’t actually know how to respond to that. She’s fine, really. Insomnia isn’t a rare occurrence for her, unfortunately. But she does have a lot on her mind.

**Yeah, just can’t sleep.**

H replies immediately this time.

**Me neither. Facetime?**

Lou wasn’t expecting that suggestion at all, but she smiles so wide her cheeks hurt.

**Yes please. I look like a hot mess, don’t judge.**

She isn’t wearing any makeup, and she’s just in a big hoodie, tucked under her blankets. She attempts to at least get her hair to behave before her phone lights up with the incoming call.

“Hey,” she says, voice coming out raspy. It’s dark in her room, save for the light coming in from the city outside her window, so she doesn’t even know how well her face will show up on the screen.

The stream loads and she can see H clearly. They’re sitting at what appears to be a kitchen island, overhead lights on dim. Their hair is up in a messy bun, and even though they’re not wearing makeup, their skin is absolutely flawless. Lou feels a bit self conscious, and burrows herself further into her covers.

“Hi love,” comes the response through her phone speakers. Lou smiles shyly. H holds the camera a little bit further from their face, and Lou can see they’re wearing a sheer pink shirt that falls off one shoulder, revealing a thin bra strap.

“Harriet?” she ventures uncertainly.

“Mmhm.” She doesn’t seem put off by the question, which raises so many more for Lou. She just wants to understand, but she doesn’t know how to ask without being rude or invasive.

“Hi,” she says instead, holding her phone sideways as she lays her head down on the pillow. 

“Hi,” Harriet breaks into a grin, eyes sparkling and dimples on full display.

Lou smiles back. “How was your day?”

Harriet shrugs. “It was pretty nice actually. Got a new SLR so I just wandered around the city for a couple hours being all ‘aesthetic-y’.” She makes air quotes around the word.

“Sounds lovely,” Lou hums, snuggling into her pillow. 

“Mmhm,” Harriet agrees, playing with a loose strand of hair that has slipped down from her bun.

Lou chews her lip, hoping the shadows in her room are masking the way she can't stop staring at Harriet. There's something so effortlessly beautiful about her, and Lou is torn between envy and attraction.

“You look really pretty,” she mumbles, cheeks flushing instantly. 

Harriet's brows furrow for a second, and Lou feels like the whole world is crashing down on her. Oh god, why did she say that? That's not something friends tell each other. Or is it? She guessed she's seen her female friends be like that with each other, but she's always been so careful about complimenting girls because she never wants to come off as creepy.

But then Harriet ducks her head down and says a soft “Thank you.”

Lou smiles, her whole body feeling like it’s on fire. She's flirting. It's the absolute last thing she should be doing, but she can't help it.

“I'd love to see your photography some time. I mean, the stuff you do for fun.”

Harriet scrunches her face. “Only if you sing for me,” she counters.

Lou sucks in a breath. She's always been self conscious about how her voice sounds without backing vocals or accompaniment. She doesn't want to disappoint Harriet though, so she nods. “Okay, deal.”

Harriet beams, dimples once again creasing in her cheeks.

They talk for a bit more, until Lou starts yawning, suddenly completely exhausted. Harriet’s expression goes soft.

“You should get some sleep, love,” she says softly.

Lou nods, rubbing her eye as another yawn overtakes her.

“Thanks for talking to me,” she mumbles sleepily. 

“Any time, darling.”

Lou tries not to read too much into the endearments, and instead just smiles and pulls her blanket up over her head.

“ ‘Night Harriet,” she whispers.

“Good night, Lou. Sweet dreams.”

Lou ends the call and immediately smushes her face into the pillow, smile so wide it hurts her cheeks. She falls asleep a few minutes later, and doesn't wake up until her alarm rouses her from a very pleasant dream.

\-- 

“You look like you could be guest-starring on The Walking Dead.”

Lou shoots a glare at Veronica, but a yawn overtakes her and completely cancels out any protest she could give. 

“Did you sleep at all?” Veronica pinches the bridge of her nose above her glasses. 

“Mm like, an hour, I think,” Lou mutters through another yawn. She knows V is probably assuming the worst, and a teeny part of her wishes it was true, but her night was pretty amazing even if there were no sexytimes involved.

“Was it your Harry Harriet whoever person?” she asks, lowering her voice so none of the other people in the Good Morning Britain green room will here them.

“We were just talking,” Lou whispers back. “So don’t get any ideas. We’re not nasties like you and Liam.”

“Hey,” Veronica protests, eyebrows arching together defensively.

“I love you, but you two are gross,” Lou shakes her head, happy that the inquisition has successfully been deflected off of her. She knows V means well, but she really doesn’t want to deal with questions right now, not when she hasn’t even figured anything out for herself yet. She knows she feels something for H, but she has no idea if it’s reciprocated, and she’s not about to set herself up for rejection. Plus, she really likes just talking to H, and having a friend who she can talk to about all the issues that have come with her fame, who won’t just write her off as a whiny popstar. She doesn’t want to ruin a friendship because of a dumb crush.

“He sent me a singing snapchat video this morning,” V hums, wiggling her eyebrows.

“Oh my _god_.”

If Liam and Veronica don’t bang it out in the next week--two, tops--Lou is just going to lock them in a closet like it’s middle school and force them to work out their issues. 

They’re given the two minute warning for when they’re supposed to be on set, and they all gather in a circle, linking hands like they do before every performance or appearance. They jump around for a few seconds to get any last minute nerves out, even though by this point in their careers is more for the tradition than because any of them are anxious, and then Lou lets out a whoop and they all join in cheering, only quieting when they’re ushered onto the set, where they’re met with loud applause from the studio audience. 

They all squish onto the couch, Perrie practically in Leigh-Anne’s lap, as the hosts greet them and start in on the questions. Once again they get asked about all their romantic interests, and they give the same non-answers as always. V’s relationship/thing/whatever with Liam is blacklisted from interviews, even though anyone who follows the two bands social media likely suspects something is going on. Apparently the suspense and intrigue is good for business, and promotes both the bands at the same time, which is great, sure, but also kind of disgusting, because these are real, _genuine_ , people here, and Lou knows for a fact that nothing about their constant flirting is exaggerated for the fans. They really are that sickeningly sweet.

Lou barely pays attention to the interview, answering questions on autopilot, because she’s just thinking about H, and wondering if they’re watching the show as it airs. Probably not. Hopefully they’re still asleep, because Lou would feel bad if she was the reason H missed out on a proper night’s sleep. She knows there will be comments online later about how she looks spaced out or that she didn’t want to be there, but people find issues with her even when she’s in full performance mode, so screw them.

She doesn’t get any notifications on her phone until later that afternoon, but then it’s a text from H, and she can’t help the way her face lights up as she opens it.

**You looked really pretty this morning.**

Lou shakes her head as she types back an emoji with the tongue sticking out.

**All compliments should go to my makeup artist and the ITV lighting crew.**

She doesn’t have to wait long for a response.

**No, pretty sure it’s all you, beautiful.**

Lou doesn’t stop smiling for the rest of the day.

\--

Wednesday night and she's at yet another club, downing shots to deal with the fans and the paparazzi. Normally she loves fans, but these are more like stalkers, tipped off to her location on Twitter, and swarming her just to get her in their snapchat stories and to gain twitter and instagram followers. They're all kind of gross, pretending like they care about the music or the band at all, when she knows they're just there for their five seconds of fame.

It's a week and a half until their album release, and management is ramping up the band’s visibility. Veronica’s been active on Instagram and Twitter, and Perrie and Leigh-Anne were both seen hanging out with high profile celebs, but somehow Lou is once again stuck on club detail.

She’s maybe had one drink too many, and has slipped past pleasantly numb, into actually wasted. The room is spinning around her, some things moving at a snail’s pace, and others racing past so fast all she sees is a blur of lights. She needs to sit down, but the swarm of people around her is too thick. She pulls out her phone instead.

**M druknnk omg. Evreythign is liek woahhh.**

She means to send it just to her bandmates, but she accidentally selects all of her top five contacts, which include her mum and--oh god--H.

Perrie and Leigh-Anne instantly reply with the eye roll emoji, and Lou assumes they’re together. Her mum is probably asleep, so she sends an apology and an assurance that she’s fine, which she hopes has a few less typos. V doesn’t respond either, but she does get one more notification a few minutes later.

**Are you alright, love?**

She’s being jostled around by the crowd, which makes typing even more of a challenge.

**Mmhm. Jsut want to be hom e in mybeddd.**

As a joke with herself she thinks “Or yours,” and she’s pretty sure that was only in her head but then she looks down at her phone and sees that she’s typed and sent it. Oh dear god, she feels that last cocktail threatening to come back up. Her eyes are glued to her phone now, panicking as she waits for a response, or lack thereof. She doesn’t know which would be easier. What she’d really like is to melt into the floor and never have to deal with any of this again.

Her phone buzzes just when she’s convinced herself that H has deleted all her contact information and burned her from their memory.

**Do you mean that or is it just the alcohol?**

H is giving her an out, and if she were in a better state of mind, she’d probably take it. But booze makes her brave, and she works really hard to make sure her text is typo free.

 **I mean it, but I’m scared, and I’ll probably deny it in the morning.**  

It’s the most honest she’s possibly ever been. She’s just handed her heart to H on a silver platter, and now she just has to sit back and wait for it to be crushed into tiny pieces.

**You don’t have to be scared of me.**

It’s not really an answer to any of the questions she wants to ask, but it’s far better than anything she was expecting. But she’s in no state to keep having this conversation right now. She bites her lip, concentrating again on her response.

**Call me tomorrow, please? We should talk.**

The room is still spinning, but she has less of the urge to throw up, so that’s good. 

**Of course, darling.**

That’s good. That’s oh so very good. Pet names and a promise to keep talking. She shoves her phone into her back pocket before she does any more damage, and actually manages to enjoy the rest of her night, despite it being work. For the first time in a long time she's actually feeling something akin to optimism.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback is much appreciated! Thank you to everyone who's reading this. I hope you're enjoying it and you're going to stick around :)
> 
> The next chapter should hopefully be up on Tuesday.
> 
> I also exist on [tumblr](http://adidasandangelwings.tumblr.com)


	6. Chapter Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This got a little long, because yay things are happening! Wasn't sure I was going to be able to finish tonight, but I had a huge burst of creativity on the train, so here's chapter six :)

That feeling is completely gone when she wakes up, replaced by a pounding in her head and a general sense of doom. She barely makes it to the bathroom before puking, cursing herself for not drinking any water before falling asleep. She clings to the toilet bowl, hating literally everything. When she finally stops heaving, she crawls into the shower, clothes and all. 

As the warm water streams down over her, memories start flooding back from the night before. Again she wants to melt into the floor, be completely absorbed by the black and white Carrara marble tiles, live out the rest of her life invisible, letting scalding water burn her shame away. So she gets a bit dramatic when her brain feels like it’s going to burst out of her eye sockets.

She finally peels off her probably ruined top and her underwear. She’d at least had the presence of mind to strip out of her skinny jeans the night before. She leans back against the wall and halfheartedly lathers up her hair with shampoo. She knows she’s stalling, wasting time in the shower so she doesn’t have to go out and check her phone. She doesn’t want to know how bad it is.

Eventually the shower water goes cold, and she has to turn it off. She wraps herself in a giant fluffy towel and shuffles back into the bedroom, then face plants on her bed, groaning as she blindly reaches for the ibuprofen so she can stop seeing double. She definitely should have brushed her teeth before leaving the bathroom, but now she's too lazy, so she grabs a stick of gum instead, munching on it morosely as she stares at the paisley pattern of her duvet like it’s the most interesting thing in the world.

She ignores her phone the first time it rings, even though it's right under her pillow. Whoever it is can wait until she feels human again. It might be a couple weeks. The second time it rings, she groans and fishes it out to silence it, until she sees who the caller is. Bracing herself, she answers the call on speaker and flops her head back down onto the pillow.

“Hi,” she tries not to sound quite as much like death as she feels.

“Good morning, love.” H’s voice is as soothing as ever, even through the tinny speakers.

“I'm so sorry,” Lou’s voice is muffled by the pillowcase. 

She hears H laughing softly.

“Nothing to be sorry about, sweetheart.”

Lou sighs. “You don't have to be nice to me. You can tell me you want nothing to do with me, I won't break.”

“Why would I tell you that?” 

Lou groans. “Because I'm a mess. Because I've got so many issues, no one could possibly ever want to get involved with me. Because you're way too perfect and I would just be dragging you down. Because I don't want you to feel forced into something out of pity--”

“Lou, shut up.”

Lou gapes at the phone, caught off guard by H’s abruptness. She tries to come up with a rejoinder but she's effectively mute.

“Okay, I need you to listen to me, and not try to second guess what I'm saying, because I mean it all. Got it?”

Lou nods, and then remembers that H can't see her. “Got it,” she mumbles.

“I can't promise you anything. I can't promise it will be happiness and rainbows right off the bat. But I want to try. We’ll take it slow, not put any labels or pressure on it, but I really really like you, and if you're alright with it, I'd really like to take you on a date.”

Lou is once again completely dumbfounded. She stares at the phone, fingers clutching tightly at her blanket like she needs it to ground her to the earth. 

“Lou?”

She snaps out of her fog, shaking her head as if trying to get her brain to start working again. 

“Y-yeah.”

“Is that okay?”

“Mmhm.”

H laughs. “Couldn't even pretend to be a bit more enthusiastic?”

“Hold on a second.” Lou shoves the phone under the pillow again and smashes her face into the fabric, letting out a muted scream and kicking her feet against the mattress like a kid who just found out they're going to Disney World. She picks the phone back up. “Okay I'm good.”

H is laughing, this ugly horse braying sound that shouldn't be a tenth as endearing as it is, and Lou feels her cheeks flushing red.

“You're adorable,” H says when they finally stop wheezing.

Lou’s embarrassment turns more bashful. “ ‘M not.”

“You are. End of discussion. So, what are your plans this weekend?”

Lou opens her calendar app and scrolls through her appointments. “Filming for the London Session on Saturday, but other than that I think I'm free.” She knows she should be running this past management, but she knows what their answer would be so she resolutely decides again that.

“Sunday night then. I know a place where no one will recognize you.”

Lou cringes just a bit as she's reminded how secret they have to be. It's not fair to do this to H. But the rational side of her reminds her that H knows what they're getting into, and still made this decision for themself, and that Lou has a bad habit of martyrdom which she really needs to work on.

“Sounds perfect,” she says instead.

“As much as I like private cars, I'll pick you up this time, popstar. Dress warmly.”

\--

The next couple days are busy again, and it's good because it keeps Lou from freaking out too much. She puts all her efforts into rehearsals for the London Session performance. Their album is being released in a week, and they've already released a couple songs early for people who pre-ordered. They've been received significantly better than the singles, and everyone in the band is pretty optimistic.

She sleeps in late on Sunday after she gets home from the taping close to one. She still leaves herself plenty of time to get ready for her date with H. She heeds the warning to dress warm, and puts on a long cable knit sweater with fleece-lined jeggings tucked into lace-up boots. She styles her hair so her asymmetrical fringe falls to one side, curling towards her chin. She doesn't overdo the makeup, just some concealer and mascara, and a light dusting of her favorite rose gold eye shadow. She sends a snap selfie to V, with the caption “date looks?” and she really should have been more prepared for the 10 second video of V screaming in response.

It’s followed up by a stream of huffy looking emojis and an “I can’t believe you kept this from me.”

Lou doesn’t respond. It’ll do V some good to be on the suspense end of things for once, after Lou’s been properly tortured by her and Liam for years. She puts on some chapstick and then goes to sit in the living room to wait for H. She can’t believe she’s ready early, because she usually finishes up at the very last minute, or you know, rolls in fifteen minutes late with Starbucks. She doesn’t know what to do with all this time before H arrives, so she dicks around on her phone, playing that stupid Kendall and Kylie app that V downloaded when she last stole her phone. It’s surprisingly addicting, and Lou won’t admit to anyone just how far she’s advanced in the game. Or that she’s spent real actual money on it. She’s halfway through a fashion show when she gets a text.

**I’m at the gate :)**

She bounces up and goes to buzz H in, and a few minutes later hears a knock at her door. She pauses at the mirror in the hall, checking her hair just one more time, and then goes to let them in.

“Hi!” she greets as she throws the door open a little too enthusiastically.

“Hi, love,” H says with a soft smile. Lou inconspicuously as possible does a once over and notices that a) H is wearing black skinny jeans and suede Chelsea boots with a chunky leather jacket and b) that’s definitely a motorcycle helmet tucked under their arm. Her eyes widen.

“Ready?” H asks, and Lou nods, biting the inside of her cheek. She grabs her bag from the hall table and slips the strap over her shoulder. H reaches for her hand and her heart skips a beat as she takes it. As they’re walking out the door, H squeezes her hand.

“It’s a boy day,” H says softly, and Lou squeezes back. She would never say it out loud, but she can’t help just a tiny bit of disappointment. She’s still happy and excited of course, but there was a part of her that had been building up to her first real date with a girl. She knows that’s not fair, and reprimands herself for being selfish. She doesn’t have much time to think about it anyway, because they arrive at the car park and oh god there’s a _Harley._

Who even drives a bike in London, much less one of these monster American ones? She stares at Harry, wide eyed as he reaches for the sparkly gold helmet hooked to the back seat. She's pretty sure there's a clause in her contract about reckless behavior, but she'll just tack that on to the growing list of rules she's breaking right now. 

“Ever been on a bike before?” Harry asks, holding out the helmet for her.

Lou scrunches up her nose as she fits the helmet onto her head. “Nope.” She clicks the strap buckle under her chin.

Harry grins a bit mischievously, and puts his hand on the front seat of the bike. “Okay, hop on the back, I'll hold you steady.” He holds out his other arm and braces it so Lou can jump up onto the bike. Once again she's made painfully aware of her short stature, as her legs dangle on either side of the seat, barely touching the footrests. Harry swings his long leg over the front seat and then turns around to face her once he's sat down. “Arms around my waist is probably easiest,” he says, and Lou blushes, grateful for the face mask that conceals her cheeks. She drapes her arms around his waist, keeping a bit of distance between their bodies.

“Like this?” she asks.

Harry chuckles as he puts on his own helmet. “Much tighter, love. This baby hauls ass,” he pats the front of the bike rather affectionately. Lou leans in closer, pressing herself up against his back and tightening her arms.

“Where are we going?” she asks as Harry starts the ignition. The bike is incredibly loud as the engine growls to life, so Harry has to almost shout to be heard over the rumble. 

“It’s a surprise,” he says, eyes twinkling under his visor as he walks the bike out of the spot. And then suddenly they're flying forward and Lou barely holds in her shriek as she clenches her arms right around Harry’s middle. She can feel him laughing at her and she buries her face in his back as best as her helmet will allow. The wind whips past them as Harry accelerates the bike down the street, and she realizes why he'd told her to dress warm. If it weren't for the adrenaline pumping through her veins, she would probably be freezing. And she gets cranky when she's cold, so that would have been no good at all.

She spends the whole ride convinced she's about to die, and considers it a miracle when they finally pull to a stop outside what appears to be an abandoned warehouse. Lou peels herself off of Harry's back, furrowing her brow as she lifts off her helmet.

“Is this the part where I find out you're actually Dexter and you've been plotting to brutally murder me all along?”

Harry laughs, that loud full-bodied sound again, and shakes his head. “Dexter only killed serial killers.”

Lou's not entirely sure that answered her question.

She can hear faint music coming from inside the building, a low thumping of a bass, and she's intrigued. She follows Harry inside, the door opening into a darkened room with red neon lining the walls. Okay, so maybe she's not going to get murdered, but she still hasn't ruled out the kidnapping/sex-dungeon possibility. Until they come to a desk at the end where there's a girl standing with a clip board. She has on a gauzy black dress, trailing all the way to the floor, paired with lace gloves and a black feathered headband. Lou isn't entirely sure what kind of look she's going for, but she pulls it off amazingly.

“H Styles and guest,” Harry says when she asks their names. 

Recognition dawns on the girl’s face. “Oh! You're Gemma’s…” she waves her hands as she trails off.

“Brother, yeah,” Harry smiles.

“Awesome, so glad you could make it!” she recovers easily, checking their names off. She reaches down under the desk and pulls out two Venetian style masks, holding them out to Harry and Lou and making sure they put them on. 

“Enjoy,” she says with a wink, pointing towards the doorway next to her. “The event will start shortly, but feel free to mingle and have some cocktails first.”

Harry slips his hand into Lou’s, squeezing gently and then guiding her through to the next room. The music is louder now, a rather chill house/trance vibe, and there are people milling about the room, drinking from tall glasses of neon colored beverages that glow in the black light.

She still has no idea what they're doing here. People seem to mainly be sticking with the groups they came with, probably because everyone is anonymous thanks to the masks. She looks around and can't identify anyone, which means that no one knows who she is, and that's actually a pretty incredible feeling. Harry stops a server and gets two drinks for them.

“Thanks,” she says, smiling as she takes a sip. “Sooo what exactly is this?” she asks, gesturing at their surroundings.

“My sister is an actress. She's part of this group that does interactive theater? It's like a murder mystery dinner, but way more edgy.”

Lou grins. “That sounds _awesome,_ ” she says, and genuinely means it. She'd been a drama kid all her life. Honestly, if X Factor hadn't panned out, she probably would have ended up acting in community theater, teaching or something to pay the bills. She can tell Harry is relieved that she's excited, and moves closer to lean against his side, just as the music quiets down.

One of the members of the theater group--Harry says his name is Sven-- gets up on the stage by the DJ booth to call everyone to attention. He explains the parameters of the show, that they can start anywhere and directions would be clear to them after each scene. He also tells them that they can opt to wear a special armband if they’re okay with being touched, and Lou definitely decides against that. She’s learned to appreciate the times when her personal space is respected.

The play turns out to be an incredibly dramatic story about a dysfunctional family, complete with affairs, secret twins, and fake babies. It’s a high-intensity soap opera and Lou is completely winded by the end of it, having run up and down countless flights of steps, following the story up and down through the entire spread of the warehouse. 

When it finishes, she and Harry collapse against a wall in the stairwell, laughing while trying to catch their breaths.

“Oh my god, that was amazing!” Lou gushes when she can breathe again. She pushes off her mask, letting it rest on top of her head as she looks over at Harry.

Harry takes his mask off as well, humming in agreement. “I’m so proud of Gems.” He’d pointed her out to Lou when they’d seen her performance, and Lou could see the family resemblance, though Gemma was significantly shorter, and her hair was dyed blonde. She’s glad though that Gemma is too busy with theater things to properly come greet them, because she’s definitely not ready for the whole meet the family thing. She and Harry aren’t even properly a couple, it would just be entirely too much pressure.

Harry is looking at her when she raises her eyes again, and she can’t read his expression. Then he lifts his hand to brush her bangs back from her face, and her breath stutters. 

“You look gorgeous,” he murmurs.

“No, I’m sweaty and gross, and my hair is all flat, and my makeup’s probably smudged--”

“Shut up, Lou,” Harry puts his finger over her lips, smiling all dimply. And then he’s leaning in and her brain shuts off for a second until he’s hovering a few inches from her mouth. She blinks a few times and then bites her lip, turning her head away.

“I’m sorry, I can’t,” she grimaces. She doesn’t know why, because she’s wanted this practically since the moment she met Harry, but right now, it just doesn’t feel right.

Harry pulls away, scrubbing a hand over his face and looking down. After a moment he says quietly “I’m sorry. I pushed too fast.” 

Lou reaches for his hand, twisting their fingers together. She sucks in a breath. “It’s not… it’s not that I don’t want to. It’s just that I… I’ve never… with someone I actually like.”

Harry looks over at her, lips pressed together and nodding slowly. “It’s okay. I’m sorry. We’ll take this at your pace,” he says, squeezing her hand.

She smiles softly and then leans over to kiss his cheek. “Thank you.”

He drives her home, and they hug at her door, and as soon as she gets inside she lets out a groan and slumps against the wall, cursing herself for ruining an otherwise perfect night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments are much appreciated!
> 
> I also exist on [tumblr](http://adidasandangelwings.tumblr.com).


	7. Chapter Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait! I got really busy at work last week, and then I kind of lost my train of thought with writing. But I got it back! Next update should be much sooner. Thanks for sticking around!

Lou crawls into bed that night, wrapped up in the biggest hoodie she owns. She tucks her knees up inside it and pulls the hood down over half her face.

She'd been building up to that moment for weeks, but the minute Harry had leaned in, something had just felt so _wrong_ , and she'd known she would regret it if they kissed. And she really didn't want to regret her first kiss with H. She pushes her phone to the other side of the bed and doesn't care if it's lighting up with notifications. She feels like crap, and she's going to wallow, dammit. 

The album release party is this Thursday night, and her week is going to be jam packed. She’ll have a valid excuse for not being able to see H.

It's not that she doesn't want to see them, it's just… She feels so awful. She could see the disappointment and confusion in Harry's eyes when she pulled away. She might not have known exactly what he was thinking, but she definitely saw hurt, and that was what she'd been trying to avoid this whole time.

She falls asleep eventually, but it's restless and unfulfilling. She wakes up to a full screen of phone notifications, and reluctantly thumbs through them, replying to a few work related messages and a snapchat from her brother. There’s two texts from H from the previous night when she finally opens the messages app. 

**I had a really great time. I hope you did too, and weren’t just pretending to enjoy it for my benefit.**

**Sweet dreams, Lou. xx**

She doesn’t know what to write back. It’s been hours since H sent the texts, and at this point it would probably be more awkward to reply, so she’ll just say she was busy--which isn’t really a lie--and get back to H when she gets her shit together. She leaves her phone on the bed and goes to get ready for the full day of promo they have planned today.

It’s easy to not think about anything when they’re being shuffled from interview to interview for hours on end. She’s answered the same dumb questions more times that she can count, and she’s pretty sure the entire world now knows what her favorite cereal is and what she supposedly looks for in a guy. She’s noticed that Veronica has been looking unusually gleeful all day, and finally calls her out on it.

“Okay, spill.”

V bites her lip, like she’s suddenly shy and not absolutely bursting to share whatever it is.

“Should I start guessing?” Lou rolls her eyes. “Did m.a.c. put out a new lipstick? Did your dog learn how to play dead?”

V flicks her in the boob, which, _ow_.

“Liam stayed over Saturday night,” she mutters, looking around to make sure no one is snooping in on their conversation.

Lou’s eyes widen for a second, and then she groans.

“Fucking finally. So how was he? I mean, the entire world knows he's big, but that doesn't mean he's good--” 

V whacks her in the other tit, and jesus, that's some backhand. She rubs her fingers over what is likely a bruise and scowls.

“God, _touchy_ ,” she mutters.

V is bright red though and determinedly not meeting Lou’s eyes.

“What? Come on, I can always tell when you're hiding something. There's no point,” Lou goads, because it's true, she'll always be able to get Veronica to spill the beans, it just might take a little extra effort.

“We didn't…” she mumbles, looking down.

“Aw, so it was just a sleepover? That's precious,” Lou teases, but V shakes her head.

“I mean… We did stuff. But not like… You know.”

Lou doesn't know why she's being so cagey. She's never once been shy about dishing on her sex life before. Lou knows _that_ for sure; there've been times when she's definitely wanted to bleach her brain thanks to some of V’s stories. Honestly, she's glad she likes girls, because certain bodily fluids are just…no.

They've only got about five minutes before their next interview, but Lou is determined to get some answers out of V before then. She really is curious, but also this is a great distraction from her own love life, or lack thereof as it might be.

“V come on, just tell me. Was it that bad?”

“No, it wasn't _bad_ … It was just… Different.” She checks once again to make sure no one is nearby. “He um, likes it up the bum?” 

Lou nearly chokes on air, quickly trying to recover as she's attracting looks from the other people in the room. 

“Wait, he's _gay?_ ” 

V shakes her head quickly. “No, no, he likes girls. He just. Likes getting fucked?”

“So you and he..?” Lou makes some vague crude gesture with her hands. She's trying so very hard not to picture it but oh god it's not working. She didn't think Veronica could get a deeper shade of crimson, but she's practically a tomato now.

“No, not yet. But we talked about it.” A hint of a smile tugs at her lips then. “He said I'm the only person he's ever told about it, because he trusts me and he wants us to be for real.”

Lou feels a rush of warmth and happiness for her best friend. Looks like she won't have to resort to the closet trick after all.

A crew person is calling them to the set, so she quickly throws her arms around V and gives a tight squeeze. “I'm so happy for you two,” she whispers fiercely. “Weird sex things and everything.”

She doesn't give V a chance to reply before she scurries off towards the interview set and plops herself down between Perrie and Leigh Anne.

\--

For all that everything has been building up to the album release for months, the actual day is surprisingly calm. It drops on iTunes at midnight and the fandom goes wild online, so it quickly climbs the download charts, but none of that will really matter. It's all about where it places on Billboard the following week. So after a bit of celebration, they all just go home, completely exhausted from the past several days.

Lou hasn't spoken to H (beyond a quick ‘thank you’ typed in reply to the texts) since Sunday. It's the wee hours of Friday morning now when she finally settles down in her bed and pulls out her phone to see that H had sent a text at midnight. 

**Just bought the album. Listening now. Let me know when you're home?**

So she takes a deep breath and replies.

**Home. What did you think of it?**

She keeps the message screen open, waiting to see the three dots appear to know if H is replying, but then suddenly her phone is vibrating in her hands and there's ‘decline’ and ‘accept’ buttons flashing and god, H really likes this whole face-to-face communication thing. Lou frantically fixes her hair and checks that her makeup isn't smudged too badly, and then accepts the call.

“Hi,” she says when the video stream loads.

“Hi.” H’s voice is soft and warm.

“So did you--?” Lou bites her lip nervously.

“Mmhm. Whole thing three times since I bought it.”

“Oh wow.” 

She doesn't know what else to say. Everyone else important to her has already heard the album a million times and told her it sounds great, but H is a fresh opinion. And doesn't have any obligation to be biased like her mum does.

H smiles, dimples noticeable even in the dim light of what must be their bedroom, since it's a different room than Lou has seen before.

“It's amazing. Honestly, incredible,” H says, and Lou lets out the breath she hadn't quite registered she was holding.

“Really? You liked it?”

“I loved it. It's so different from your other albums. It seems so much more genuine, especially the ballads. Your voice is beautiful.”

Lou is blushing like mad and ducks her face away from the camera.

“I watched a bunch of your interviews too,” H continues.

Lou lifts her head again, scrunching up her face. “Don't believe half of what you hear in them. We basically have a script.”

H nods. “I know. I like to think I'm pretty good at reading between the lines though.”

Lou tugs her bottom lip between her teeth, feeling vulnerable and unsure what to say.

“I can see how sad you look when you think no one’s watching,” H murmurs softly, and Lou blinks up at them for a few seconds, mouth open but no words coming to her tongue. 

“I'm not sad,” she says finally.

H gives her a small smile. “It's okay, Lou. You're allowed to have feelings, you know. You don't have to pretend to be okay with everything.”

Lou is quiet again, picking at a loose string on her blanket. Finally she sucks in a breath, looking back at her phone screen.

“I just don't see how I can ever have a relationship that I'm happy in unless I give up everything I've worked my entire life for. I just wish I could have both,” she mutters, then instantly regrets it because she knows it sounds whiny. “I mean. I know there's a lot worse things that could happen in the world than not being a popstar. I'm just being dramatic.”

“Lou, stop that. You're allowed to want things. Just because other people might have it ‘worse’ doesn't mean you have to be happy with your situation. Sadness isn't relative.”

“Do you secretly have an advice column in the Telegraph or something?”

H laughs, practically snorting, and then covers their mouth with their hand. “Sorry.”

But Lou just smiles. “Don't be. It's cute.”

H’s brow furrows. “I don't think anyone's ever called me cute before.”

Lou worries for a moment that she's offended H, but then she sees just a hint of a smile.

“Stop being so worried all the time,” H chides. “I can see it in your face, you're going to give yourself a headache, love.” Their smile grows a bit, and Lou thinks that might be fondness in H’s eyes, but she also might be insane. “I'm a big girl, you don't have to walk on eggshells.”

Lou sighs. “I'm sorry about Sunday.” 

Harriet shakes her head. “Don't be. We moved too fast.”

“No that's not… That wasn't the reason.” Lou looks down, determinedly studying the hole she's accidentally created in her blanket from tugging at the string. She is an awful, awful person.

Harriet doesn't say anything and Lou knows she's waiting for her to continue. She takes a deep breath, bracing herself.

“It's… I just…” She has to say it. Even if it completely ruins things. Because it's not like things are going excellently now anyway. Her voice cracks when she speaks again. “I wanted my first real kiss to be with a girl.”

The silence is audible.

She squeezes her eyes shut, pinching the bridge of her nose. “I'm sorry, that was so horrible.”

“No, love. I completely understand.”

“You do?” When she finally opens her eyes, Harriet is looking at her with that same hint of fondness.

Now it's Harriet's turn to look down and take a deep breath. “Most people… They don't even really accept me as a boy. Like, they just think I'm a girl playing dress up. I mean, people are getting way better about accepting trans people, but when you're fluid, they tend to think it's just for attention.” Harriet scoffs softly. “If they knew me at all, they'd know the last thing I want is extra attention on myself.”

Lou swallows, feeling a lump of emotion welling up in her throat. “I can't imagine,” she murmurs.

Harriet shakes her head. “I'm used to it. The people who really matter understand, and that's all that's important.” She smiles softly. “Thank you for understanding. Because you're one of those people who matter.”

Lou has to bite her lip as her chest feels impossibly tight. “When can I see you again?” she asks, because it's all she can think to say right now.

Harriet's smile grows. “Whenever you'd like, darling.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback is much appreciated!! 
> 
> I also exist on [tumblr](http://adidasandangelwings.tumblr.com).


	8. Chapter Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp, apparently I'm updating on a weekly schedule then. Though if I tell myself it's weekly, it'll probably end up monthly, because I'm the worst. So, still going to try to get the next chapter out before this week is over.
> 
> Thank you to everyone who's reading! I appreciate the feedback so far, and hope you continue enjoying the story.

Barely more than twelve hours later, Lou is opening her front door to let Harriet inside, unable to keep the smile off her face. The taller girl gives her a hug in greeting and Lou lets it linger a bit longer than natural, and basks in every moment of it.

“So I was thinking Chinese takeaway?” she hums as they move into the living room. Out of the corner of her eye she can see Harriet looking around at the flat. She feels just a bit self-conscious about the state it’s in. She tried to straighten up earlier, but it was a daunting task, so she kind of just shoved things in piles, hoping for an ‘organized chaos’ sort of thing. She at least cleared off the couch. 

She sits down on it, tucking her perpetually cold feet up under her. She could wear socks, probably, but they make her feet feel trapped, and well, cold feet are always an excuse for cuddling, right? God, she doesn’t know. She’s never properly done ‘dating’. She’s so out of her element.

At least Harriet seems to have some sort of idea what she’s doing. She sits down next to Lou, leaving a comfortable amount of space between them. “Sounds perfect,” she says.

“Chicken okay? No allergies?” Lou asks as she opens her Just Eat app and selects her usual order, doubling it.

“Mmhm.” Harriet sounds distracted, but when Lou looks up, those wide green eyes are focused directly on her. She flushes slightly under the gaze and quickly looks back at her phone, submitting the delivery order.

“So um, how was your day?” she asks, tucking her phone away and sitting up straighter.

“Pretty good. I had a job this morning, and then I grabbed lunch with Nicki.”

“Oh? That sounds fun.” 

They're stuck having small talk, and Lou has a million and one things she wants to bring up, but she doesn't know how to segue into them naturally. She chews on her pinky nail instead. She doesn't know where to look because Harriet's gaze is still directly on her and it's like she can feel it hot on her skin. 

She's about to bring up the weather or something equally mundane and useless when Harriet speaks up instead.

“So I believe we had a bet going on about whether I could pick out your songs on the album,” she says, a smirk in her voice.

“We did,” Lou agrees. “But I don't think we ever came up with a wager.” 

Harriet rolls her lips between her teeth, thinking.

“If I guess a song right, you have to sing it for me.”

Somehow Lou knew that would be the response. She rolls her eyes. “Fine. And if you're wrong?”

Harriet shrugs. “You decide.”

It turns out that Lou doesn't need to come up with a consequence, because all of Harriet’s guesses are spot on.

“You didn't cheat, did you? I know the writers are listed on iTunes,” she narrows her eyes indignantly.

“Promise. Cross my heart.”

Lou groans but concedes that Harriet won fair and square. “Okay. Do I have to sing them all?”

Harriet shakes her head. “No, just my favorite.” 

“And which one is that?”

“End of the Day.”

Lou blinks up at her for a moment, biting her lip. The song means so much to her, though the album version isn't the _real_ song, the one she'd written just for herself. Somehow she knows Harriet’s figured that out.

Her keyboard is already set up on the coffee table in front of the couch, so she drags it closer, leaning forward to play the chords. The original version was much slower, since she's written it as an acoustic song. She takes a deep breath before she starts to sing. “I told her that I loved her, was not sure if she heard…”

She can hear Harriet’s sharp intake of breath as she sings the proper pronouns, the ones she'd written for herself. Obviously she'd changed them for the label, and the details of the song aren't exactly her life, but the meaning still rings true, and it's the mantra she's been telling herself since she first realized she was gay.

“All I know at the end of the day, is you love who you love, there ain't no other way.”

When Lou finishes the bridge--her solo in the recording--she turns back around to face Harriet. She fidgets her hands in her lap and takes a breath.

“That was beautiful, Lou. Thank you,” Harriet murmurs softly. Lou looks down, smiling. She doesn't notice when Harriet reaches her hand out to cup her cheek, tilting her face up so their eyes meet again. “ _You’re_ absolutely beautiful,” she continues, thumb stroking along Lou’s cheekbone. “You know that, right?”

Lou sucks in a breath and doesn't respond.

“Inside and out,” Harriet says softly, fingers now gently pushing Lou’s fringe to the side.

Lou doesn't think anyone's ever called her that. Pretty, maybe. Cute, or hot, but never beautiful. She feels like the earth is standing still as she looks up into Harriet’s eyes. Her heart is beating at least twice its normal pace, but she's frozen under Harriet's gaze.

“Tell me if you want me to stop,” Harriet whispers, closing the distance between them, and suddenly her lips are on Lou’s, just as soft and plush as she’d imagined they would be, and she tilts her head back to match the angle of the kiss, finally unfreezing and realizing that holy shit this is actually happening.

Harriet keeps the kiss soft and slow, her fingers caressing her cheek, just enough pressure to keep her grounded to the present. When Harriet finally pulls back, Lou is breathless, eyes wide and glittering as she just stares at her.

“You okay?” Harriet murmurs, stroking her fingers through Lou’s hair. Lou nods, expression softening into a smile. The kiss was everything she'd built it up to be. Her first real kiss. And the first time she'd ever felt anything resembling the ‘spark’ everyone talked about. Long ago she'd written that off as the stuff of paperback romance novels, or at least a vast over exaggeration. The only thing she'd ever felt while kissing before had been boredom, and vague disgust. But Harriet had been anything but that. She was soft and gentle, and tasted like something fruity, and all Lou wanted to do was kiss her again. For eternity maybe.

“I'm good,” she breathes when she finally has the presence of mind to speak. “So, so, very good.”

Harriet breaks out into a wide grin.

Lou bites her lip and tucks her hair behind her ear, suddenly bashful. “Would it be weird if we um, cuddled for a bit?” she asks.

Harriet doesn’t say anything, just reaches her arms out and loops them around Lou’s waist, tugging her close. “Not weird at all,” she murmurs, kissing Lou on top of her head as she pulls her into her side. Lou buries her face in Harriet’s neck, hiding her blush and her smile. She almost can’t believe this is actually happening, except that Harriet smells like strawberries and her body is warm and soft where it surrounds Lou, overwhelming all her senses at once.

Harriet doesn’t spend the night, but only because she has an early job the next morning. So after they eat the Chinese food and watch a few episodes of the Walking Dead, they reluctantly untangle from each other's arms. Harriet promises they’ll see each other as soon as they’re both free, which sadly isn’t until the Monday after Lou gets back from visiting her family in Doncaster. Lou pouts a bit, but Harriet kisses her nose and squeezes her hands, promising she’ll text or call every day.

\--

She keeps to her word, and they talk about everything from work to childhood memories and just about everything in between, only staying away from discussing their relationship, or whatever it is that they don't want to put a label on just yet. The week flies by, and suddenly it’s Thursday and Lou is on a train to see her mum. She's flipping between two conversations on her phone, one with H about her trip and her family, and the other with Veronica, who seems to have lost her filter and is sharing her latest escapade with Liam with 50 Shades of Grey level narration.

**He literally bought me a strap on oh my god Lou this is just so much.**

**It's** **_pink_ ** **.**  

 **It's huge and bright fucking pink and he wants me to fuck him.**  

And then there's just a series of wide eyed emojis. Lou thunks her head against the window of the train car. She might be inexperienced, but that doesn't mean she's clueless. 

**Yes dear, that's generally how they work.**

Not that she doesn't love V, it's just that she's much more invested in another conversation right now. She reads through her messages with H, a smile growing on her face. The train ride seems to take half as long as usual, and it's barely any time at all before she's grabbing her bag from the overhead rack and shuffling off the train. She has a baseball cap on, hair tucked up under it, and a pair of aviators. She doesn't think anyone here will accost her, but she's cautious anyway. She's just really not in the mood to put on her work face for fans right now.

She makes it through the station with no trouble, and spots her mum and her brother Charlie standing by their car, looking around for her. She grins widely and jogs over to them, to be enveloped in a giant hug when she reaches them.

“Oh Lou, I'm so glad you're here darling.” Her mum squeezes her tightly.

“Me too,” Lou agrees, reaching out to ruffle Charlie’s bleached white hair. “You're like a foot taller than me now, punk,” she groans.

Charlie just smirks and grabs her bag, tossing it in the boot of the car.

Home is nothing short of the complete chaos she was expecting, and she loves it. She's surrounded by people she loves, and even if they're hyperactive little monsters, she wouldn't trade them for the world.

After they all go to bed though, her mum pulls her into the kitchen, handing her a perfectly brewed cup of tea. They sit down at the island as Lou takes a sip, humming gratefully.

“You look good, Loubear,” her mum says after a moment, a soft expression on her face. “Happier.”

Lou sets down her mug, a small smile tugging at her lips.

“I am, yeah,” she admits.

“Someone special in your life who's making you smile like that?”

Her mother’s always been able to see right through her, no matter how hard she tried to conceal her emotions.

She presses her lips together, looking down at her steaming mug as she nods. “Yeah. There is. They're absolutely wonderful mum.” She can't keep the affection out of her voice when she talks about H.

Her mum reaches her hand out to cover hers, thumb stroking along the back of her palm. “I'm glad, sweetheart. You deserve that.” She pats Lou’s hand. “So when do I get to meet her?” 

“ _Mum,_ ” Lou groans. “Not yet. We’re taking things slow. Don't want to freak them out by forcing the whole kit and caboodle on them right off the bat.”

If her mum picked up on the gender neutral pronouns, she doesn't say anything. Which is probably for the best right now. Jay is one of the most accepting people Lou’s ever met, but H’s gender isn't something Lou really feels comfortable discussing without H there.

“So this is a recent thing then?” Jay asks instead.

Lou nods. “We met about a month ago.” She can't believe it's only been a month. She's gotten to know H so well through their constant texting, and midnight video calls. Even if they're going slowly with physical stuff, they've definitely become fast friends, and Lou can talk to H about things that she can't really bring up with anyone else. Veronica’s great, but there are some things she’ll never truly be able to understand, no matter how hard she tries.

“I'm so pleased for you, love,” her mum says, standing up and kissing her on the forehead. “Get some sleep. The twins want you to take them skating in the morning.”

Lou smiles and stands up as well, pushing her empty tea mug towards the sink. “Thanks mum,” she murmurs, wrapping her arms around her mother in a warm hug, before shuffling off to the guest bedroom. Even though she's never actually lived in this house, it feels far more like home than her flat does. Maybe it's the constant hum of noise--even when everyone is asleep--or the smell of her mum’s cooking lingering, but whatever it is, she gets the best night’s sleep she's had in ages.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback is much appreciated! Comments make me smile and motivate me to write faster!
> 
> I also exist on [tumblr](http://adidasandangelwings.tumblr.com).


	9. Chapter Nine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updates two days in a row! What is this insanity? And I'm halfway done the next chapter, so expect that relatively soon. Again, thanks for reading. Feedback is very much appreciated.

After a hectic yet simultaneously relaxing weekend, Lou is back on a train to London, texting H excitedly that she can't wait to see them. They're meeting at Lou’s flat again, but H is bringing dinner this time--they insisted, even though Lou protested that she'd happily pay for delivery again.

An hour or so before H is due to arrive, Lou stands naked in her walk-in closet, staring at her clothes and not knowing what to wear. They're not going out, so it would be ridiculous to dress up, but at the same time she wants to wear something a little more appealing that joggers and a hoodie. She goes to grab a pair of boy shorts from her underwear drawer and then pauses. She has no expectations for the evening, but at the same time, she wants to be prepared for anything. And the pair of pants she was about to pick up are a faded grey and frayed at the waistband and not at all something she'd want anyone else to see her in. She doesn't have any nice lingerie though, because she's never had a need for it, and really, she's not the lace type anyway. So instead she finds her newest pair of bikini briefs, baby blue and white striped with a little bow at the waist, and finds a clean bra that somewhat matches, though it's got polka dots instead of stripes. She stares at herself in the floor length mirror for a few minutes before sighing and grabbing a pair of satin jeggings and a thin printed tee shirt.

When the buzzer to the flat goes off at exactly six, Lou takes a moment to internally curse H’s promptness. She goes to let them in, and definitely doesn't pace back and forth in front of the door while waiting for them to come up the lift. At the knock on the door, Lou opens it to reveal H dressed in a loose rose colored sweater, hair pushed back with a gold headband, but curls freely resting on her shoulders, framing her face. Lou is so caught up in the way her blush highlights her sharp cheekbones that it takes her a second to realize she's standing there with two Tesco bags in one hand and her other arm wrapped around an overstuffed paper bag that looks like it's from a farmers market. Her eyes widen.

“You didn't have to get all this,” she gushes. “Here, let me help.” She reaches out to take one of the bags but Harriet brushes her off.

“It's alright, I've got it. Just lead me to the kitchen, yeah?” 

Lou nods, eyebrows still arched in surprise. She'd been expecting takeaway, or even something microwaveable, but as Harriet starts emptying the bags onto her kitchen counter, it appears that she is quite literally going to be making dinner.

“Oh, that smells amazing,” Lou gasps as Harriet pulls out a loaf of crusty bread and an assortment of cheese.

Harriet grins, taking the last item out of the bag, a bottle of Prosecco. “It's going to take me a bit to fix up the pasta, so I thought I'd bring hors d'oeuvres in the meantime.” 

“Genius,” Lou laughs as she sits up on one of the bar stools. “You really didn't have to do all this,” she says again, watching Harriet uncork the bottle.

“I wanted to. I like cooking, and it's much more fun doing it for someone other than myself,” Harriet shrugs. “Glasses?”

“Above the sink,” Lou points to the cabinet. She swivels a bit on the stool as Harriet goes to get them two champagne flutes, and pours the sparkling wine into them. They clink their glasses together, smiling, and then Lou takes a sip and hums contentedly.

“Reminds me of Italy,” she smiles softly.

“I've never been,” Harriet answers as she fills up a pot with water from the tap.

“Really? Oh, we should go together sometime!” Lou gushes excitedly before flushing bright red and looking down. “I mean, if you'd want to, go with me, you know. Don't want to be presumptuous…”

Harriet looks up at her, a smirk dancing on her lips. “I'd love to go to Italy with you, Lou.”

Lou's sucks in a breath as their eyes meet, and her chest flutters. Then she smiles softly and takes another sip of her wine.

They pick at the bread and cheese while Harriet cooks the pasta--primavera, Harriet explains, which is potentially the healthiest thing that's ever been made in Lou’s kitchen--and go through half the bottle of wine. When everything is ready, Lou helps Harriet carry it to the table, which has barely been used for much other than storage, since Lou usually eats on the couch in front of the television. She manages to actually find matching silverware and some real napkins--truly a feat--and they have a lovely sit down dinner.

They finish off the wine, and Lou feels pleasantly warm and fuzzy by the time they put all the dishes in the sink and move to the sofa. Lou finds the remote to the sound system and turns it on so there's quiet top 40 music playing in the background as she looks up at Harriet.

“Dinner was amazing,” she hums. “Are you sure you aren't secretly a Michelin star chef behind my back?”

Harriet laughs, tossing her head back. “No, no, but I did used to be a baker.”

“Seriously??”

Harriet nods. “Mmhm. Before uni, back in Cheshire.”

“Very cool,” Lou declares, and then they lapse into silence again. Lou can feel Harriet’s gaze on her as she fiddles with the hem of her shirt for lack of anything better to do with her hands. Harriet reaches out and covers her hands with her own, stilling her fingers.

“Don't be nervous, love,” she murmurs. “We don't have to do anything you don't want to.”

Lou sucks in a breath, nodding slowly. She'd put it out of her mind during dinner, but now that they're sitting here, she feels like it's expected that they take the next step. And she wants to, it's just… she’s never done this before. With anyone. And now that it's not just some abstract idea on the horizon, well, it's a bit terrifying.

Harriet strokes the back of her hand with her thumb, and brings her other hand up to cup Lou’s cheek. She leans in, and Lou relaxes as their lips press together. They kiss softly for a few minutes, and then Harriet brings both her hands to Lou’s waist, tugging her gently towards her. Lou follows where she's guided, until she's sitting kneeling over Harriet’s lap. Her breaths are coming faster as she looks down at Harriet, blinking a few times. Then, with a sudden burst of confidence, she raises her arms to drape around Harriet's shoulders, and leans in to reattach their lips, smiling into the kiss. 

She feels Harriet's fingers creep up under the hem of her shirt and she tenses for just a moment. Harriet stops the movement and pulls away, concerned, but Lou shakes her head. “It's okay,” she whispers, sitting up a little straighter. Harriet holds her gaze as she slips her fingers up further, ghosting over the skin of her stomach and up to her ribs. She's sure that Harriet can feel her heart trying to beat it's way out of her chest, and she does her best to relax, holding still as Harriet’s fingers explore her body.

“Can I..?” Harriet asks, tugging gently at her shirt. Lou bites her lip and nods, letting Harriet pull the cloth up, exposing her torso. Her touch is impossibly soft as she drags her fingers up Lou’s sides and then gently cups her breasts through the fabric of her bra. “You're gorgeous, Lou,” she breathes, and Lou feels her whole body flushing. She swallows but doesn't say anything, not trusting herself to speak. Harriet pushes her shirt up further, and Lou lifts her arms so she can pull it all the way off. She feels incredibly exposed, but Harriet seems so enamored with her body, so she just focuses on keeping her breaths even.

Then Harriet leans in and presses a soft kiss to her neck, before trailing her lips down over her collarbone to her chest. Lou’s head drops back as she lets out a soft gasp. She can feel a warmth growing in her belly, a tingling that spreads through her body. Harriet's lips ghost over her breast as she tugs the straps of her bra down over her shoulders. She's going slowly, and Lou appreciates her carefulness, but at the same time her skin feels like it's on fire. When Harriet's fingers finally caress her bare breasts, she squeezes her eyes shut, involuntarily rocking her hips down into Harriet's. She's immediately embarrassed, pulling away and tensing, but Harriet tilts her chin up and kisses her sweetly. She presses one hand to Lou’s stomach, the other still cupping her breast. She doesn't move until Lou relaxes again.

“Sorry,” Lou mumbles, but Harriet shakes her head.

“Don't apologize, darling. If you want to stop, just tell me.”

Now Lou shakes her head. “N-no. Don't stop,” she whispers, biting her lip again. Harriet smiles and kisses her once more, drawing it out this time. And then her lips are on her chest again, and her hand slips lower until it meets the top of her leggings.

She looks up at Lou, meeting her eyes as she slips her hand under the waistband. Lou holds her breath, but doesn't make any move to stop her, so Harriet moves her hand down until she's cupping her through the fabric of her underwear. Lou bites down harder on her lip, moaning softly as Harriet starts to rub her fingers slowly. Lou brings one hand up to rest on Harriet’s shoulder to steady herself as Harriet drops her head down to press hot kisses to her breasts. She flicks her tongue over Lou’s nipple and Lou sucks in a harsh breath as she presses down against Harriet’s hand. She can feel her arousal soaking through her panties.

“So wet for me, Princess,” Harriet murmurs against her skin, and Lou nearly cries out with the wave of pleasure that washes through her. The pet name catches her off guard, but she definitely doesn't mind it, as her bodily reaction certainly demonstrates.

“P-please,” Lou stutters, breath shaky. She doesn't know what she's asking for, she just knows she needs something. Harriet sucks at her nipple again, and then switches to the other one, both forming tight buds in her mouth, and sending shivers of arousal through Lou’s body. She moves her fingers faster, rubbing right over Lou’s clit, and Lou lets her weight rest on Harriet’s shoulders, head dropping forward. Her eyes are squeezed shut and she's breathing hot and hard as Harriet keeps stroking her through her panties.

Suddenly she feels like she's going to burst. She gasps out and braces herself against Harriet, and then her body is trembling as she lets go and lets the waves of pleasure coarse through her. Harriet keeps rubbing her through her orgasm, until she sinks down onto her lap, gasping for breath. Harriet keeps her hand resting there for a moment, but moves the other to Lou’s back, steadying her. Lou catches her breath and looks down at Harriet with a slightly dazed expression. Harriet smiles and tilts her head up to kiss her.

“Good?” Harriet asks softly against Lou’s lips. All Lou can do is nod in response. She wraps both arms around Harriet’s shoulders, and sits down more fully in her lap.

“Amazing,” she breathes when she can finally speak again. She drops her head down to bury her face in Harriet’s neck. “Stay the night?” she mumbles against her warm skin.

Harriet wraps her arms tighter around her waist. “Of course, Princess.”

They stay there for a little while, and then Lou lets Harriet carry her to her room. They kiss a few more times, because they just can't help it, and then Lou excuses herself to the bathroom to change into pajamas--a lacy cami and heart printed shorts as opposed to her usual hoodie or baggy tee. When she returns to her room, Harriet has taken off her sweater and is sitting cross-legged on the bed.

“Mind if I borrow a pair of joggers?” she asks. Then she adds with a sheepish smile, “I usually sleep naked.”

Lou giggles and picks up a pair from the clean side of her laundry hamper. “Of course.”

She climbs into the bed, tugging the duvet up around her as Harriet goes to change. Then she puts her phone on silent, and curls up against the warm body that slips into bed beside her.

Harriet wraps her arms around Lou, pressing a soft kiss to the top of her head. “Sweet dreams, love,” she murmurs and Lou smiles, linking their fingers together and squeezing. She's never fallen asleep in someone's arms before, but as she drifts off into unconsciousness, she thinks she might never want to sleep alone again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, comments and kudos mean a lot to me. Thank you so much to everyone who is continuing to read this!
> 
> Come talk to me on [tumblr](http://adidasandangelwings.tumblr.com) <3


	10. Chapter Ten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Helloooo! Apologies for skipping a week. I was completely caught up in reading the Captive Prince trilogy (read it read it read it) and then I was visiting my future law school, so I didn't have a chance to finish this chapter until today. Anyway, thanks for sticking around. Hope this is worth the wait!

Lou wakes up the next morning and, after yawning and rubbing her eyes, realizes she's alone in her bed. She furrows her brow, sitting up with her sheets still wrapped around her. Her hair is probably a mess, and she slept in her makeup again, so she probably looks awful. But it doesn't matter, since she's apparently been abandoned.

She looks down at her bedspread, sighing. She didn't expect this from Harriet, but now that it's happened, she can't help feeling like it was coming all along. Nothing that good could ever last, and it would probably be better in the long run that they ended things now before she got any more attached.

She's so lost in her dejected thoughts that it takes her several minutes to realize there's the sound of running water coming from the bathroom. Her eyes shoot wide open. That's definitely her shower, which means Harriet is still here, and oh god she needs to make herself look presentable.

It's incredible how quickly her mindset shifts once she realizes that Harriet hasn't walked out on her in the middle of the night. She scrambles to find her hairbrush, trying to get her bangs to fall in the right direction. She rubs under her eyes and her mascara has definitely smudged so she scampers out of her bed to find some emergency concealer. She can't brush her teeth because Harriet is in the bathroom, so she goes for the next best thing and pops a stick of gum in her mouth.

She's still frantically chewing when the water shuts off, and she panics, diving back under the covers to pretend to still be asleep. It's several more minutes until she hears the door open and footsteps padding across her floor. The bed sinks down as Harriet sits down on the opposite side from where Lou is curled, trying to keep her breathing even.

And then she feels Harriet’s hand on her back, and a soft kiss pressed to her shoulder.

“Are you awake, love?” Harriet asks, and Lou makes a show of blinking and then stretching her back before she rolls over.

“Mmhm,” she mumbles, burrowing into the duvet, and coincidentally Harriet’s stomach. She actually feels Harriet's laugh, her belly rising and falling under Lou’s forehead.

“Love,” Harriet taps her shoulder a bit more insistently to get her attention, so she looks up.

“Thought you left,” Lou admits quietly, twisting her mouth. 

“I'm not going anywhere, promise.”

Lou nods. She believes her, really. She'll always struggle a bit with trust, but she doesn't think H would ever intentionally hurt her, and that's the most important thing. She sits up and goes to hug Harriet, but the other girl tenses and pulls back. She bites her lip, looking down at Lou with a slight furrow in her brow. 

“What's wrong?” Lou asks, a hint of worry in her voice. 

“Nothing,” Harriet murmurs. “It's just… It's a boy day… And I don't…”

Lou immediately pulls back. “I'm sorry, I should have asked, I didn't mean to--”

Harry shakes his head. “No, it's okay, you didn't do anything. It's just… I didn't bring my binder and I… Touching--” he waves his hands in front of his chest, “--makes me a bit uncomfortable.”

Lou nods, reaching out to squeeze Harry’s hand instead. “I completely understand,” she reassures him with a soft smile. Harry squeezes her hand back gratefully.

“So, what are your plans today?” Lou asks, tugging her lower lip between her teeth.

“Don’t really have any. I need to go back to my place to change, but other than that,” he shrugs.

Lou presses her lips together. “How would you feel about meeting my bandmates?”

“Really?” Harry’s brows arch. “You’d want me to?”

“Of course. I’ve only told Veronica about you, but the others definitely know something’s up. I’m sure they’ll all love you.”

Harry smiles, but then looks down. “Are you sure you’d want me to...like this?”

“Like what?” Lou cocks her head, not knowing what Harry is referring to.

“As Harry. I don’t want to complicate things.”

Lou shakes her head adamantly. “You’re absolutely not complicating things. This is who you are. And I want you to meet my friends as yourself. They won’t have a problem.”

She makes plans to meet the others for a late brunch at Veronica’s place and then calls a car to take them to Harry’s flat. When they get there, Harry hesitates a moment before getting out.

“Do you mind waiting here for me?” he asks.

Lou laughs. “What, messy flat? You know mine is worse,” she teases.

But Harry shakes his head, looking pained. “No it's just.. changing…”

Lou winces with embarrassment. “Oh, right, of course. Take your time.”

Harry leans across the back seat and kisses her cheek, then hops out of the car and hurries up to the front door of the walk-up apartment building.

Lou messes with her phone as she waits for him to return, fielding a couple messages from the girls. V has been bugging her nonstop for the past couple weeks about when she's going to get to meet the elusive H, so now she's practically jumping for joy that they're coming over. After instructing her approximate eight million times to be cool, she finally thinks she's gotten it through to her, and Harry comes back to the car.

He slides into the backseat wearing a tight black shirt with a leather jacket and dark jeans, hair tucked up under a knitted beanie. He smells like some fancy designer cologne rather than the soft fruity scent she'd been so enamored with, but it suits him. 

“Ready?” she asks.

“Mmhm.”

They don't really say much else until they pull into the car park of Veronica’s building. Lou can't help feeling a little bit nervous. She knows her bandmates are incredibly accepting people, but at the same time, they don't always understand things like Lou does, and she just doesn't want Harry to feel any bit uncomfortable. She reaches out to squeeze his hand, as much for her own reassurance as his.

Harry doesn't let go until they're at V’s door, and then he leans over to press a kiss to the top of Lou’s head. “I really am excited to meet them,” he says softly. “Thank you.”

Lou furrows her brow slightly, glancing up at him. “For what?” she asks, pausing from typing a text to let V know she's here.

“For not being ashamed of me.” 

Lou’s expression softens and she wraps her arms tightly around his waist. “I could never be ashamed of you,” she mumbles into the fabric of his jacket. “You're amazing.” 

Harry smiles and hugs her back. She doesn't notice the door opening behind her until Harry pulls his arms away and Veronica clears her throat.

Lou spins around, face flushed. “Ahh sorry, I was just texting you!”

V shakes her head, clearly judgmental. “Thought maybe you'd died between the car park and here.” 

Harry chuckles softly behind Lou, and V looks up at him.

“You must be the mysterious H,” she wiggles her eyebrows.

“Not so mysterious. Just Harry,” he shrugs in response.

“Harry. I'm Veronica. You probably know that though,” V runs her hand through her long black hair and flips it over her shoulder dramatically. “Come in. Leigh and Perrie are already here, and you know how Pezza gets when she's hungry for too long.”

Lou laughs, shaking her head in amusement, and reaches for Harry’s hand again to walk with him into the flat.

Perrie has clearly given up on waiting for them, and is already piling a waffle high with chocolate chips and strawberries. She's just reaching for the can of whipped cream when they walk into the kitchen.

“Lulubean!” she exclaims, jumping up from the chair she was sharing with Leigh Anne. She's dressed relaxed and comfy, a loose baseball tee and leggings a stark contrast to her usual severe style. She bounces around the table to greet them, eyes widening as she takes Harry in.

“Dang Lou, you snagged yourself quite a hot piece of ass,” she says, smacking her bright pink lips in approval.

Lou flushes crimson and glances over at Harry apologetically, but he's laughing and shaking his head bashfully.

They all end up getting on like a house on fire. Several rounds of waffles later, the kitchen is an absolute disaster, and they're having an impromptu sing off, with Harry strumming along on guitar. V pulls Lou aside, a proud smile on her face as she hugs her.

“I'm so happy for you, babes,” she says when she pulls away. “You deserve the absolute best.”

It means so much that her best friend approves. She needs all the people in her corner that she can get, because now that she's got someone that she wants to show off to the world, well, suddenly the closet that had seemed bearable until now isn't so much anymore.

V furrows her brow at her. “Uh oh. I can see those wheels turning.”

Lou sighs. “I just… I mean, I always wanted to come out eventually, you know? It just didn't seem worth the fight before. But now I've got a reason.”

Veronica nods. “It's up to you, love. I've got your back, and I know Pezza and Leigh do to. We’ll be here for you, whatever you want to do.”

Lou smiles and wraps her arms around V again, eyes slightly moist. “Thanks,” she mumbles against V’s shoulder.

“Of course.”

\--

When they're back in the car heading home, Lou rests her head on Harry’s shoulder and he brings his arm up to wrap around her. 

“The girls are really great,” he says, resting his chin on top of her head. She nods, smiling softly.

He strokes her hair for a few moments before he speaks again. “So Perrie and Leigh Anne,” he starts. “Are they… a thing?”

Lou lets out a burst of laughter, picking her head up to look at Harry, surprised. 

“Oh, because I mean, I've watched a lot of your interviews, and I see what the fans say online…” he explains, “I thought--”

Lou smiles and shakes her head. “No, they just play it up on camera sometimes. They started doing it to take the pressure off me when the rumours first started. Now it's just habit. Keeps the fans entertained while helping to keep Simone off my ass.”

Harry’s expression softens. “I'm so glad you've got such amazing friends.”

Lou looks down, smiling as she nods. She's incredibly glad to. She definitely couldn't have gotten through the last five years without her girls. She's so grateful to have them, and now she's got Harry to. She feels nearly invincible. 

Until later that night when everything comes crashing down around her in the most ironic way possible with her name plastered over the front page of the Daily Mail. 

“ _Popstar Lou Tomlinson spotted getting hot and heavy with mystery beau who is definitely not rumoured boyfriend Daniel Campbell_.”

She scrolls down to the article on her phone, her chest suddenly tight as she unconsciously holds her breath. Her fingers tremble as she sees the blurry photo someone took with what looks like a cellphone camera from 1995, and sees herself and Harry in line at the yogurt shop they'd stopped at on their way back to drop Harry off at his apartment. There's a couple different angles of the shot, and while the quality is poor, you can definitely tell it’s Lou. She has her hands wrapped around Harry’s arm and is leaning against him while he pays for their cups of froyo, and then in the next one, he's kissing the top of her head. 

She goes cold, stunned momentarily, before the panic starts to set in. She's expecting the call before it comes, but her hands still shake as she presses accept. 

“Hello?” she answers, biting her lip and hoping with every fiber of her being that it's just a minion, but as soon as she hears a throat clearing, she knows she's not going to be that lucky.

“What on god’s green earth do you think you're doing, Louise?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback is very much appreciated :)
> 
> Come find me on [tumblr](http://adidasandangelwings.tumblr.com)!


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for the delay. I started reading a bunch of books, because books are gr8, and then I had a lot of real life nonsense to deal with, but I promise I'm not abandoning this!! Here's chapter 11, and hopefully chapter 12 will be coming within the week. Thanks for sticking around!

The shrill voice sends chills to her very core. Simone Cowell is terrifying on a good day, but it's absolutely petrifying to be on the receiving end of the full force of her otherworldly ire. Lou's fingers squeeze her phone in a death grip as she tries to calm herself down. One of the first things she learned when dealing with Syco was to never ever show fear. Simone was an expert in the art of exploiting weaknesses, and Lou had made a promise to herself to never show any again. She set her jaw and took a deep breath through her nose.

“What are you talking about, Simone?” Using her first name. Asserting herself in the conversation. She would not let this cow walk all over her again.

“You are sabotaging everything we've worked for. This is absolutely ridiculous behavior. And with another man? What even is the point, Louise?”

Lou scowls, though Simone couldn't see her. “I was hanging out with a friend. Is that a felony?”

“I would suggest making your friend scarce until the end of promo season then. We've worked hard to secure these arrangements with the Campbell team. You need him.”

Lou can't help her audible scoff. “I don't need anything. We've gone over this a million times. The fan base doesn't give a flying fuck who I'm supposedly shagging, and no one is buying this Louniel bullshit anyway. I'm allowed to have friends.” She takes another breath, doing her best to suppress the urge to march herself into the studios right now and give Simone a literal and physical piece of her mind. “Now if you'll excuse me, unlike you, I have a life and friends and people who care about my emotional well-being, so, pardon my French, go fuck yourself.”

She hangs up the phone and drops back against the wall, sinking down onto the floor, completely drained and shaking.

Could she not just have one good, pure thing in her life without Simone Cowell’s slimy fingers smearing themselves all over it? Being with H is the first time she's dared to allow herself to have hope, and now it's going to be ruined. She stares at the black phone screen as her eyes burn with angry tears. She nearly misses her phone lighting up again, a familiar face smiling up at her from H’s contact photo. She'd taken the photo while H was cooking dinner for her the night before, and there's a bit of pasta sauce smeared on their cheek, just above the dimple that Lou loves so very much.

She rubs her eyes, taking a couple deep breaths, and then accepts the call.

“Hey,” she says quietly when she answers.

“Hi love,” H responds, their voice soft and low.

“Hi,” Lou says again, closing her eyes and leaning back against the wall.

“Are you alright?” H asks.

Lou doesn't answer for a moment, then swallows. “I don't know.”

“I'm so sorry.”

Lou furrows her brow, sitting up straighter. “For what?”

“For putting you in that position. I should have been more careful. Are you in trouble?”

Lou's chest clenches and she can't help the small smile that forms, the warmth bubbling unbidden in her chest at H’s words. She can't remember a time when someone has actually been worried about her, about making things harder for her. Everyone she's met before H would have killed for their fifteen seconds of tabloid fame.

“It's not your fault, but thank you,” she says, really wishing she could kiss H right now, just to show how grateful she is. She sighs. “Simone is pissed, but there's nothing she can really do, so I think we’re okay.” She tugs her knees up to her chest and rests her chin on them.

H is silent for a moment, and Lou wonders what they're thinking about, but for once her mind isn't doing that thing of providing vivid enactments of the Worst Case Scenario, and instead she just lets herself be comforted by their presence on the other end of the line. After a moment she hears H suck in a breath, and can practically see the smile on their face when they say, “So we’re a ‘we’ then.”

It's not the bombshell Lou was expecting to to be-- the realization that yeah, they are, and she's oh so very content with that-- but it still catches her a bit by surprise, her breath skipping nearly imperceptible. “Yeah,” she breathes out. “Yeah, we are.”

Not even the buzzing of an incoming text message can ruin the moment. She swipes the notification to read it and sees it’s an iCal event request. “Ugh,” she groans.

“What is it?” H asks, concern inching back into their voice.

“I've got to go to some club opening with Daniel tomorrow. I guess this is my punishment.”

H sighs. “Well, it won't be so bad, right? You can escape after and come to mine,” they say, then there's a sharp intake of breath. “I mean, only if you want to, of course, I don't mean to be presumptive--”

Lou smiles, shaking her head. “I'd absolutely love to.”

H huffs out a breath. “Okay. Good. I want to make sure you're okay. And I'm sorry again for making things more difficult for you.”

“Stop it. Don't do that. You aren't making things any worse than they already were,” Lou admonishes. “In fact, you're making them a heck of a lot better, as far as I'm concerned.”

H laughs softly. “I'm glad.” And then after a beat, “Okay, I'll see you tomorrow. Good luck, yeah? I know you can handle it, but I wish you didn't have to.”

Lou smiles, closing her eyes as she leans back against the wall again. “Thank you.”

“Good night, love. Sweet dreams,” H says, like always, and Lou hums a content response.

“Good night, H. See you tomorrow.”

\--

The event isn't so bad. It turns out Liam’s there as well, with his bandmate Niall, and they seek Lou out as soon as she walks through the door after the requisite pap walk outside. Liam just stares at Daniel when he tries to shake hands, and Lou reminds herself to thank V later for clearly having filled him in on the situation.

Niall buys them all pints of Guinness, which, gross, but Lou can't refuse those big eyes and impish grin. She gulps it down as Daniel seeks out every camera in the club. He tries to drag her along. But thankfully she's got Liam and Niall, and they end up making every photo goofy and ridiculous, leaving Daniel glaring and huffing off to go drink on his own.

“God, they couldn't have picked anyone less twattish than that?” Liam groans when Daniel finally gives up and leaves them alone.

Lou sighs, finishing her drink. “It's not that bad, I guess. I mean, it could have been way worse.”

They all shrug, and simultaneously drop their attention to their phones, all of them having people they wish were here right now. They end up doing a few too many rounds of shots because V suggests a game where they drink every time Daniel gets them photographed, and Liam and Niall are a little rowdy by the time the DJ is playing the last set. Lou can't help but feed off their energy.

All her life she’d always been grouped in as “one of the boys”. She'd been hyperactive and rambunctious long past the time when it was considered cute or endearing. Her friends had always been guys, and even when they got to high school and started talking about girls and sex and whatnot, she still felt she had more in common with them than with any of the girls in her class.

So it's so easy to fall back into her comfort zone, shouting loudly and whooping at jokes. Liam ends up giving her a piggy back ride as they leave the VIP section and make their way back through the general crowd of the club. She lets herself briefly imagine what her life would have been like had she not auditioned for X Factor. She would have gone to uni, taken drama classes, made friends easily, probably have been the life of the party. By now she’d be working, living in a cramped London flat with too many people for the space, and eating days old Chinese takeaway, but she'd be absolutely loving it.

At the same time, she would have never gotten to travel. She would have never met some of the amazing people she had. Never seen Machu Picchu or Christ the Redeemer. Her family would be doing alright, but her brother wouldn't have been able to take a year off school and work as a stylist, find his love in fashion design, and be able to attend uni for it, all expenses paid. Her mum would have managed, but Lou’s so happy with all she's been able to give back, in return for her mother’s support all these years. And she thinks about all the charity work she's been able to do, and well, she doesn't think she'd ever be able to go back to life pre-fame. But there's a fire inside her now. A spark that's growing and raging and threatening to take over. She wants to fight. She wants to be able to be herself, completely and honestly, but she doesn't want to give anything up.

It's a crazy realization, and she has it while clinging to Liam’s back while he threatens to toss her into the fountain in the courtyard, so she's screaming at him, but she's also screaming her battle cry. Fuck Simone Cowell. Fuck Syco. Fuck management. The world is about to see a whole new Louise Tomlinson.

Said world comes rushing back into her consciousness all at once and violently as they exit onto the street and suddenly there are cameras shoved in her face from every angle.

“Who's your mystery man, Lou?”

“Trouble in paradise?”

“Does Daniel know you're two-timing him?”

“Are you drunk?”

“Have you been smoking?”

She tries to find her car, but there's no one there to guide her in the right direction, so she's left spinning in circles, trying to find her way out of the mob. Her body guard does his best for fend them off, but really he's just keeping them from actually touching her, not doing much to control the questions or the filming. She sobers up quickly, her chest getting tight. She needs to leave. She can't handle this right now. She's either going to lose it and start panicking, or she's going to grab one of those cameras and smash it into the concrete.

And then suddenly there's a presence at her side. She can tell it's Daniel by the overpowering smell of his designer cologne, and she has no idea how he managed to push through the crowd. She has a brief moment of feeling grateful that he's going to get her out of there, until he wraps his arm around her shoulders, flashing a grin to the paps as he holds her close to his side.

“Lou’s not cheating. That guy was just a friend, and Lou and I are closer than ever. Isn't that right, sweetheart?” His arm squeezes her tighter as he turns to look at her. She has no idea what he thinks he's doing, but she wants none of it. She glares back, which sets off a new round of shutter clicks as the paps think they're about to get some huge story. Daniel just laughs. “She's just embarrassed. Didn't want anyone to know yet, but I say why wait?”

Why wait for what?? Lou's eyes dart around for any familiar face, but Niall and Liam have already been shuttled into their own cars, probably halfway home by now. Her body guard-- not Alberto, why wasn't it Alberto??-- is just sort of standing there, and suddenly she realizes this has all been set up. There are so many paps. Too many. She's not _that_ famous. Her eyes are wide as she looks back at Daniel.

“We’re engaged!”

The whole world drops away under her feet, her ears suddenly filled with a whooshing sound as she reels. And then suddenly everything comes back and it's like she's been dunked in an ice bath, waves crashing over her and she can't find which way is up and she can't breathe--

The paparazzi go crazy. The camera flashes are blinding. She can't even hear what they're saying anymore, and suddenly she's being shepherded forward and finally there's a car there as Daniel ushers her into the back seat, paps still shouting her name.

It's only when the door closes and the car pulls away that she even fully realizes what happened. She turns towards Daniel, seething. “What. The. Hell. Was that?” she demands, practically spitting her words.

Daniel shrugs. “Simone's instructions.”

Two words feel a hell of a lot like a sucker punch to the gut.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are very much appreciated!!
> 
> You can also find me on [tumblr](http://adidasandangelwings.tumblr.com).


	12. Chapter Twelve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Longer chapter and shorter wait time! Yay me! 
> 
> Hope you enjoy, and thanks so much to everyone who has commented or left kudos. You're the real MVPs.

“We’re not--it's not true--it's not real,” are the first things Lou gets out when H opens the door to let her into their flat. But H doesn't even let her finish the thought before pulling her into a tight hug and kissing the top of her head.

“It's okay. I know, I know.” H rubs her back for a solid minute before she finally calms down enough to breathe properly. Then they bring their hands up to her cheeks, lifting her face up and wiping her tears with the pads of their thumbs. “You didn't know it was going to happen? They just sprung it on you?” H asks, poorly concealed disgust in their voice.

Lou shakes her head. “I had no idea. I didn't think-- I didn't even know they could do that, I just--”

“Shh, shh, we’ll get through it,” H promises, kissing her forehead again. “Do you want anything? Tea? A shower?”

Lou nods slowly. The shock is slowly ebbing away, but now she just feels drained. She knows she's shaking, but she can't help it. “Y-yes. Tea please, thank you.” She runs her hand through her hair. It's a mess of product and club grime, and as she comes back to herself, she realizes just how gross she is. She gives H a sheepish look. “And yeah, a shower would probably be good. Sorry I'm disgusting.”

H shakes their head. “You're fine, darling. I just want you to be comfortable. It's second door on the left if you want, and I'll get you some fresh clothes.”

Lou smiles gratefully, wrapping her arms around H’s middle and leaning up to kiss their cheek. “Thank you. Don't know what I'd do without you.”

She ends up sitting on the floor of the shower for nearly a half hour, just staring at the wall and letting the hot water wash over her body. She finally starts to calm down, regaining the ability to look at this rationally and see that it's not quite the end of the world, and really just another stumbling block that she can work past. She doesn't realize how long she's been sitting there, knees drawn up to her chest, chin resting on her forearms, until she hears a knock at the door.

“Are you alright, love?” H asks.

Lou sighs, lifting her head and stretching out her arms. “Yeah, I will be.”

“Okay. I've left you clothes. And the towel on the door is clean.”

Lou smiles softly and thanks H, then pushes herself up from the floor and ducks her face under the spray one more time. Then she gets out of the shower and wraps herself up in the big fluffy towel H had mentioned. She wipes the mascara smudges away from her cheeks and runs her fingers through her short hair a few times, then opens the door enough to grab the clothes H has laid out. It's a comfy looking pair of joggers with some school crest emblazoned on one leg, and a worn tee shirt that smells like H’s shampoo. She smiles and slips them on, deciding to just go braless. The shirt hangs off her shoulders, fully exposing her collarbones, but it's so soft and she kind of doesn't ever want to take it off. The joggers are big on her too, but not too much, so they must be quite old if they ever fit H. She towels off her hair again and then steps out of the bathroom. H is in the living room when she pads her way down the hall, and there's two steaming mugs of tea on the table in front of the couch. She doesn't say anything, just drops down onto the sofa and crawls into H’s lap.

“You're the best,” she mumbles, burying her face in their stomach. H curls around her, leaning down to press a kiss to the top of her head.

“Just want you to be happy, darling,” they murmur. “Are you feeling better now?”

Lou sighs. She's still upset, but all the tension has left her body, and now she just feels sort of detached. “Mmhm,” she hums, closing her eyes. She could sleep like this, smushed up against H’s stomach, their warm solid arm resting on her back, a strong yet soft hand carding through her damp hair.

“We’ll figure this out,” H assures. “And I'll be with you every step of the way. I promise.”

Lou smiles into the fabric of H’s shirt. She knows H means what they say. She feels so safe in their arms. So adored and cherished. As she drifts off to sleep, she wonders if this is what love feels like. Her exhausted brain decides that yes, it definitely is, and that's the last thing she thinks before dropping off into unconsciousness.

\--

She wakes up hours later in a bed. In H’s bed. With H curled around her, one arm protectively settled around her middle. She smiles to herself in the dark and then rolls over carefully so she's face to face with H. The movement makes H blink awake slowly, and Lou bites her lip.

“Sorry, didn't mean to wake you,” she whispers. H just smiles back, reaching up to brush her sleep matted fringe out of her eyes.

“It's alright.”

Lou takes a breath. The air between them is warm. She looks up into H’s eyes, a silent question, and is met with a single nod of their head, so she leans in, their lips slotting together like puzzle pieces.

Who knows what time of the night it is. It's probably closer to morning by now, but Lou doesn't have anything to do the next day so she doesn't care if she spends the entirety of it laying in H’s bed with their arms wrapped snugly around her, alternating between kissing softly and just staring at each other.

H traces their fingers along Lou's jaw and then up over her lips.

“You're so beautiful,” they mumble, thumb on Lou's lower lip and fingers resting on her cheek.

Lou shakes her head, but H stops her. “You are,” H repeats, firmly. “And yes I mean pretty, but God Lou, you're just a beautiful person. You're so loyal and dedicated, and I just… I hate the things you have to deal with. You deserve so, so much better.”

Lou swallows hard, her throat suddenly tight, choked with emotion.

“I'm on your side, Lou. I'm here. And if you want to fight, I'll fight with you.” H strokes their thumb over Lou's cheek. “I'm in this for the long run. If you want me to be.”

Lou brings her hand up to cover H’s, squeezing gently. She smiles, but her eyes are moist and threatening to spill over.

“Yes,” her voice cracks. Part of her feels like things are going too fast, that she just met H, and that she can't possibly be ready for this level of commitment, but the other, slightly bigger, part is saying that H is everything she's ever wanted, and so so good for her--too good--and she can't pass up what might be the greatest thing to ever come into her life. “Yes, I want that so badly, H--”

“Harriet,” H interrupts softly.

“Harriet,” Lou smiles. “Yes, please, I want this more than anything.”

Harriet smiles, a soft watery smile, but her dimple still shows through. She wraps her other arm around Lou, pulling her close and pressing their foreheads together. “I'm yours,” she murmurs.

The lump in Lou's throat grows. “You're mine,” she echoes. “You're really mine.”

\--

They don't wake up until nearly noon the next day. They hadn't been able to keep their hands off each other after their midnight confessions, and Lou had ended up giving in to the tears that had been threatening to fall, and Harriet had held her close and kissed them away, and then they'd finally fallen asleep again, clinging to each other, Lou’s face buried in Harriet’s chest, tucked under the taller girl’s chin.

They only wake up because Lou’s phone has been buzzing incessantly on the nightstand, since it had bounced off of the do not disturb setting.

She groans as she reaches for it, and sees that Veronica is calling, so she looks over at Harriet who's rubbing her eyes sleepily.

“Mind if I--?”

Harriet shakes her head. “Go on, take it.”

Lou presses accept and holds the phone to her ear.

“What's up?” she asks, voice still rough with sleep.

“Lou? Where the holy hell are you? I went over to your flat but you weren't there, and Daniel said you bolted last night--”

Lou blanches at the name, all the memories of the previous night flooding back.

“You talked to him?”

“I was freaking out, you weren't responding and I thought he'd kidnapped you and eloped or something.”

Lou can't even laugh because thinking about eloping reminds her that as far as the general public knows, she's fucking _engaged_.

“Lou?”

“Yeah, no, not kidnapped. I'm fine. I'm at H’s.”

“Oh thank god.”

Lou chews her lip, looking down at the space between her and Harriet on the bed.

“How bad is it? Has a rep said anything?” By ‘rep’ she means one of Simone’s minions, responsible for feeding Syco’s bullshit to the press. They're suspiciously silent most of the time, and only tend to speak out when it's the absolute last thing Lou wants them to do.

“Yeah… And um. Check your Instagram.”

“My insta-- fuck, what did they do, V? I can't look. I don't want to…”

V sighs. “Just look.”

Harriet is watching her with concern; tense, like she's ready to go to battle for her. Lou tries to give her a reassuring look, but she can't really muster one. She puts V on speaker and swipes over to the Instagram app, refreshing her page.

The first photo is one she's never even seen before. It was apparently uploaded a few hours ago, when she was most definitely asleep. She taps on it to enlarge it and her eyes go wide. It's an over-filtered black and white photo of two hands clasped, fingers entangled together, the one on top significantly smaller while the one on the bottom is definitely masculine. But what draws her eye immediately is the bright shiny beacon on the girl’s fourth finger. It's the biggest diamond she's ever seen, and it's on what is clearly supposed to be her hand.

She’s terrified to read the caption, but she forces herself to. It's a fucking emoji story, and she wants to scream. Ring, champagne, straight people kissing, bride.

“No…” she moans, closing the image quickly. “No they can't be serious.”

Harriet had been looking over her shoulder and the phone screen, and now she wraps her arms around Lou, leaning in to press a kiss to her shoulder.

“It'll be okay. We’ll figure out how to deal with this,” she promises.

“Yeah, Lou,” Veronica says over the phone. “Anything you need, we’re all here for you. Even if it means fucking up promo for the album, we’ll do whatever we can to help.”

Lou sucks in a shaky breath. “Thank you,” she says softly. “I don't want to ruin things for you guys though. I can live with this for now, I guess. I've managed this long, what's another couple months?”

Harriet's grip tightens around her.

V sighs. “You don't have to keep sacrificing yourself for us, Lou. You've done so much. It's our turn now.”

Lou bites her lip, swallowing hard.

Veronica continues. “Liam's about ready to go track that asshole down himself and give him a piece of his mind. I told him I wouldn't come visit him in prison though, so now he's just sitting here fuming.”

Lou smiles a bit. “Thanks Leemo.”

“Oh uhm," Veronica continues, "We kind of had an idea if the press gets out of control and you need something to take the focus off of you.”

Lou raises an eyebrow, glancing over at Harriet. They both silently agree that this sounds ominous.

When V doesn't explain further, Lou scrunches her nose. “So, you going to tell us what it is?”

V clears her throat. “Ah, no, you don't need details. Just. Whenever you need us, you let us know, okay? Promise you'll tell us when things get overwhelming.”

Lou smiles softly. “Alright. Sure,” she concedes. “Love you.”

“Love you too, babycakes.”

Lou disconnects the call and turns back to face Harriet, curling up in her arms. Harriet keeps her hands on Lou’s waist, thumbs rubbing soft circles where her shirt is hiked up exposing her belly.

“Are you okay?” Harriet asks, still worried.

Lou casts her eyes down and shrugs. “I will be. I mean, I'm pissed off. Like, _fuck_ , I kinda just want to just burn Simone’s office to the ground, but like, that's not going to fix anything.” She opens up her Instagram page again, seething when she sees the photo and all the comments on it. She scrolls through them hastily. Most are the usual, begging her to come to their country, a few death threats to Daniel--which for all she wants him gone still aren't called for-- and a whole bunch calling her ugly and untalented. She's used to all that. What surprises her is the amount of “it's photoshop!!!!” comments, which have links to tumblr posts. She narrows her eyes as she clicks through to one, and sees an entire debunking post about how the hand in the photo isn't hers. She's got to hand it to these kids, they're pretty good at seeing through the bullshit. She goes to check Twitter and sees much of the same, but suddenly she's smiling.

“What are you doing..?” Harriet asks, hands stilling as she sees Lou open up a fan’s tumblr.

Lou glances up. “Oh, there's a whole section of the fandom that’s convinced I'm not straight. They're seriously scary with how much they pick up on. Sometimes I just like helping them out a bit,” she explains as she taps the follow button on one of the pages debunking the ‘engagement’ photo.

Harriet grins, leaning in to kiss Lou’s cheek.

“I don't want you to ever think I'm pressuring you to come out,” she begins, pulling back to look at Lou seriously. “But… Do you think it would really be that bad? You've got a whole fan base who loves you. And I mean, you'd be a role model for all the kids out there struggling with their sexualities…”

Lou sighs, setting her phone down finally.

“Trust me, I've thought about it. There wasn't really a point before now, since I wasn't dating anyone, but…” she trails off, looking up and meeting Harriet's eyes. “Would you be okay with it? I mean, there'd be a ton of pressure on you. You wouldn't have any privacy. I've gotten used to dealing with the awful comments, but I wouldn't wish that on anyone else.” She bites her lip. “It would be really messy, and I don't want to drag you into that.”

Harriet reaches out to cup her cheeks, drawing her gaze back up. “I told you I'm in this for the long run. Whatever you want to do, I'm on your team.”

Lou lets out the breath she'd been holding and hugs Harriet.

“You're amazing,” she mumbles into the other girl’s chest.

Harriet kisses the top of her head. “So we’re doing this?”

Lou doesn't respond for a minute. She's downright terrified, to be honest. Coming out has always sort of been an abstract for her. She's wanted it for years, but at the same time, she always sort of resigned herself to never getting that chance. To be perfectly honest with herself, she'd been making excuses and pushing it off into the hypothetical future because the whole thing scares the shit out of her. She's not as brave as her friends think she is. Or, she hasn't been until now.

This engagement stunt is the last straw. She can't let this go on any longer. She can't keep lying about who she is. She knows she doesn't owe anyone anything, but she can't help but think about how she's letting all those supporters down by continuing to allow herself to be closeted. She wants to fight, for them. She's proud of who she is, and she wants everyone to know it, and maybe to help others to be proud of themselves too.

So she sets her jaw and looks up at Harriet, nodding firmly.

“We’re doing this.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback is very much appreciated.
> 
> You can also find me on [tumblr](http://adidasandangelwings.tumblr.com) :]


	13. Chapter Thirteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit of a trigger warning in this chapter. It's just a mention of something that happened in the past, but I wanted to give a heads up just in case!
> 
> Thanks for sticking around and I hope you all enjoy this chapter!!

They eventually get out of bed, only because Lou’s stomach rumbles loudly as Harriet is pressing butterfly kisses to it, and they both dissolve into laughter. Harriet makes sandwiches, because it's so far past noon that breakfast food is no longer socially acceptable. Lou sits up on the counter watching her grill them on stove. As they're cooking, Harriet steps between her legs, dropping her hands to her Lou’s hips. She kisses Lou on the nose, eliciting a giggle from the smaller girl.

“My sister’s been asking about you,” Harriet says, looking down at the space between them.

“Have you told her anything?” Lou asks, not too concerned, but curious what Harriet has said about her to her family. Whether she's gushed to her mum as much as Lou has.

“Told her I'm seeing someone. Someone cute and funny who has a huge heart.”

Lou bites her lip. “You sap,” she says, but her voice cracks, betraying how endeared she is. “You didn't tell her who I was?”

Harriet shakes her head. “No. She's getting nosy though. She's a bit… Protective.”

Lou smiles. “I know what that's like.” Being the older sister to six siblings comes with its fair share of protectiveness, even if they're all boys except for one. She wraps her legs around Harriet’s waist and tugs her closer. “Alright then, I guess we should do the whole ‘meet the family’ thing, yeah? We can put off parents for a bit though. I need a couple decades to prepare for that.”

Harriet laughs, tossing her head back and laughing with her whole body. “Yeah of course, Lou,” she says once her laughter subsides. “My mum’s a saint though. I mean, she had to put up with me all those years.”

Lou scrunches her nose. “You weren't an easy child?” she asks, surprised. Harriet's temperament now doesn't give any indication that she was ever a problem.

Harriet's face darkens just a bit, but she turns away to take the sandwiches off the stove so Lou can't see her expression.

“I um. Wasn't the happiest, I guess,” Harriet says quietly as she flips the sandwiches into plates and starts to slice them in half.

“You don't have to talk about it if you don't want.” Lou reaches out to cover her hand, stroking her thumb over the back of her palm.

Harriet turns her head to look up at Lou through the curls that frame her face. “It's the past. It's nothing to worry about now, but it is something. It's a part of me and it shaped who I am today.”

The sandwiches are forgotten for the moment. This is so much more important. Lou holds Harriet's hand in hers, scanning her face to try to read her emotions, but Harriet just looks calm as she takes a breath.

“I was angry. I didn't feel right in my own skin. I didn't know what was wrong with me, but I knew I wasn't normal. My mum, she tried so hard, but she didn't know either. And my sister and I didn't get along for a while. It was really hard on everyone. I… Kind of hit a low point in year 7. When I started, you know, maturing or whatever. I freaked out. I hated my body. I wore baggy sweatshirts and I chopped my hair short. My sister and her friends called me a freak. I know Gems didn't mean it but… It really messed me up.”

Lou doesn't say anything, even when Harriet stops speaking. She just squeezes her hand gently, letting her know it's okay to take her time. Her chest clenches as she thinks about a young Harriet, feeling alone and isolated, thinking that there was something wrong with her. She remembers that feeling well.

“I um,” Harriet starts again. “I did something really dumb, and I ended up in the hospital for a while.”

Lou's eyes widen, concern flashing across her expression.

“Oh Harriet…” she murmurs, unable to help herself. She wishes she could go back and give a tiny scared Harriet the biggest hug possible. Tell her it was going to be alright. That she would turn out to be an amazing, strong, confident person.

“I didn't know what else to do. I guess it was a cry for help,” Harriet explains. “I took a bunch of pills. I don't even know what they were, and they probably weren't going to actually do anything, but my mum found me puking them up in her bathroom and freaked. I was on suicide watch for a few days, and then they decided I should do an inpatient stay for a bit, until someone could figure out what was going on.”

Lou bites her lip. It sounds terrifying. She'd had struggles of her own, but it had never gotten anywhere near that drastic.

“Did it get better?” she asks softly.

Harriet nods. “Once I told one of the doctors what I was actually feeling, they helped me put a label on it. Well I mean, they thought I was trans, because there wasn't a whole lot of gender identity research at that point. But at least I knew I wasn't abnormal. That there were other people out there dealing with the same stuff I was.”

“And your mum?” Lou asks cautiously.

“She was just glad I was alive.”

Lou's heart nearly breaks at that. She reaches out to wrap her arms around Harriet's waist, pulling her closer and burying her face in her shoulder. Her voice cracks. “I'm glad you are too.”

Harriet's arms are instantly around her, hugging her tight. “I'm not going anywhere, I promise.”

\--

After they finally finish eating and Lou helps clean up the kitchen, she tells Harriet she had better be getting home. She suspects there will be more repercussions from Simone, and sure enough when she arrives at her flat there's a courier waiting to deliver a package. She frowns as she signs for it and takes the small box inside.

When she gets it open, and the contents spill out onto the table, she has to sit down because suddenly it feels like there's not enough air in the room. She takes a deep breath and does her best to suppress the urge to vomit as she turns the small velvet box over in her hands. She knows what's inside it, but she can't look. Right now she can still pretend this isn't happening.

It's not fucking fair. She's given five years of her life to this band, and she wouldn't trade it for anything else in the world, but for once she would just like to be able to put herself first.

Her hands are shaking as she opens the box and sees the ring nestled there in the soft satiny pillow.

And there it is. Another special moment stolen from her. How long she's dreamed of someone giving her a ring, someone committing their life to her, and her committing herself back. But now she's got an engagement ring sitting on the table in front of her, and it's just not fair.

She doesn't realize she's crying until her phone rings.

“What,” she mutters when she answers it, trying her best to keep her voice from wavering. She saw the number on the screen and forced herself into business mode even though she's falling apart.

“You have a pap walk scheduled tonight at the Sainsburys in Oxford Circus. Make sure they can see the ring,” Simone says brusquely.

Something inside her snaps. This is it. This is the moment when she takes control of her life. Already a plan is forming, and however this turns out, it's going to change everything irreversibly.

“Fine. Whatever,” she says, and then hangs up the phone.

A few seconds later she sends a mass text to Veronica, Liam, and H.

Shit’s going to go down. You in?

She gets three instantaneous responses of “YES” with varying amounts of exclamation points.

She fills them in on her plan, and V replies back with the details of what she and Liam had been talking about earlier, which makes Lou’s eyes widen in surprise at both their creativity and their dedication to helping her. When everything is settled, Lou goes to get ready for her pap walk. She gets dressed in a pair of adidas trackies and a baseball tee, and her favorite pair of rainbow converses. And then she takes the fake diamond ring and chucks it across the room.

Alberto picks her up at her flat and gives her a slightly raised eyebrow, but she knows he's on her side. He just wants to make sure she knows what she's doing, and she appreciates that.

“You're the best,” she tells him as she climbs into the back of the car with him, and tells the driver the new address of where she wants to go. Harriet is waiting for her at the Costa Coffee a few blocks away from the grocery store. She glances around to see if anyone is watching, and then rushes into Harriet’s arms, kissing her quickly.

“Are you sure you’re alright doing this?” Harriet asks softly, pushing her fingers through Lou’s fringe gently.

Lou swallows hard. “Yes. I just… I can’t let this go on any longer. It’s not fair to my fans,” she says. And then a moment later, with more force, “It’s not fair to me.”

Harriet nods and takes a breath. “Alright then. Let’s go.”

She's going to get in so much trouble. She’s not even completely sure what the legal ramifications for this could be, since she's definitely breaking the image clause of her contract, but at this point she doesn't care. She's got her friends and family behind her, and a good chunk of the fandom too, so even if this means she'll never be able to record music again, it's worth it.

She grabs Harriet's hand as they turn the corner onto the street where the paps are waiting, as if bracing herself for impact. Shutter clicks and flashing lights have become a consistent aspect of her life by now, but this feels different. This is the real Louise Tomlinson, about to be on display for the entire world. She squeezes Harriet's hand tighter as Alberto fends off the paparazzi from getting too close. They're yelling questions at her, but the rushing in her ears is too loud for her to even decipher them. When they get to the entrance of the store, she takes a deep breath and then turns to lock eyes with Harriet.

“Kiss me,” she mouths, and she's pretty sure her sheer terror is written plainly on her face. Harriet smiles softly, and then lifts both hands to cup her cheeks, leaning down to press their lips together for just a second. Suddenly the noise level of the crowd increases tenfold, and the wave of paps surges forward. It's all a blur from then on, as Alberto herds them into the store, nudging them down one of the aisles as he makes sure no one has followed them in. There's a service entrance at the back, and the quickly make their way to where a car is waiting. Lou is basically in a state of shock, completely unaware of her surroundings as Harriet helps her into the backseat and pulls her close in her arms.

The taller girl kisses her forehead head and runs her fingers through her hair in an attempt to get her to calm down.

“It's okay. It's over,” she murmurs, resting her cheek against the top of Lou’s head. “You did it, darling. I'm so very proud of you.”

Lou slowly starts to breathe again, but refuses to open her eyes, keeping her face pressed solidly into Harriet's chest. She did it. She just did what she'd been wanting to do for nearly five years. She just came out to the entire world.

Holy shit.

Her phone buzzes in her back pocket, bringing her crashing back into reality. She reaches for it shakily, assuming it's one of Simone’s minions telling her she's dropped from the label, but it's just Veronica.

Check Twitter. Love u babes.

Lou swipes over to her Twitter app, expecting to see her own face plastered all over the page, but instead she's greeted with what appears to be hundreds of blurry dark snapchat screenshots all tagged with the hashtag #PaynoHack and a link to a website which boasts “Scandalous X Rated content”. She doesn't need to click the link to know that Liam and Veronica leaked their own sex tape to take some of the attention off of her. Veronica had told her they were going to fake a hack, but she hadn't said exactly what they'd be leaking. Lou can't believe they actually went this far, but she's incredibly grateful to her friends, because this will definitely be bigger news than her pap photos. At lleast for the moment. She knows the tabloids will pounce on both stories, and that was sort of the intention of her outing with Harriet anyway. What she's really happy about is the mental image of Simone screaming at everyone in her office as her empire erupts into flames around her.

She texts Veronica and Liam back with a sincere “thank you” and then a couple hundred heart emojis.

And then she asks the driver to take her home. “To Doncaster” she clarifies, and glances over at Harriet who meets her look with a wide smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback is very much appreciated. You can also find me on [tumblr](http://adidasandangelwings.tumblr.com).


	14. Chapter Fourteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was in France all last week and I meant to finish this, but I didn't get a chance to write until I was on the plane home yesterday. Not sure when the next chapter will be done, since I'm going to be a bit busy for the next couple weeks, but it shouldn't be too long! Thanks for sticking around. As always, your comments and kudos are very much appreciated.

  
It's TMZ that releases the full video of her grocery store escapade. Now that she's removed from the situation, she can actually hear what all the paps were shouting at her, and it's not pleasant. She's sitting in the back of the car with Harriet, a little more than halfway to Doncaster. She hasn't even told her mum she's coming yet, but she expects intuition will prepare her as soon as she's seen the story. Anyway, Lou’s put her phone on ‘do not disturb’ so she doesn't have to deal with Simone. Or the nine thousand other messages she's probably getting right now.

She curls up into Harriet's side as the video replays, paparazzi screaming questions about her engagement, her relationship with Daniel, wanting to see the ring. And then there's the moment when they all realize what's happening. There's a half second of silence, and then the questions change to shouts of “So it's true? You're a dyke now? Who's your girlfriend? Are you cheating on Daniel Campbell? Are you having a threesome? Come on, give us more, that was barely a kiss.” There's more, but she can't separate out a lot of the individual questions, and to be honest, she doesn't really want to. Harriet has to stop her from reading the comments below the video though.

The two stories are competing for the biggest spotlight. Neither have had any sort of rep comment, which gives Lou a bit of a swell of victory knowing she's probably sent Syco into a tailspin. She still can't quite believe that Liam willingly put out a video of himself taking a strapon from Veronica. Lou's going to have to send him an amazing thank you gift. A freaking batmobile or something.

Harriet gets a couple messages of her own, from people who recognized her in the video. Her sister sends a whole bunch of shocked emojis and exclamation points, and then demands to know why H didn't tell her she was dating LOU FUCKING TOMLINSON. Nicki texts too, asking if they're both alright, and telling H to tell Lou she's proud of her.

Lou doesn't realize how tense she is until they're pulling up the drive to her mum’s house and suddenly she goes lax with relief.

“It should just be mum and the twins at home. Both sets. They'll love you though,” she says as she untangles herself from Harriet's embrace.

Harriet smiles. “I'm sure it will be fine. Your mum’s probably going to be more worried about you than anything anyway.”

Lou sighs. “Yeah, I probably could have warned her.”

They're barely out of the car when the front door of the house opens and Jay comes hurrying out.

“Oh, you're here. Of course you are. I knew you'd be coming home,” she says all in a rush before pulling Lou into her warm embrace. “Oh I'm so proud of you sweetheart. But is it okay? Are you in trouble? Oh! You brought your girlfriend! Hello darling, welcome, I'm so glad you're here.”

Lou can't even get a word in edgewise as her mother goes to hug Harriet. Lou watches them with a huge smile on her face and moist eyes.

“Mum, this is Harriet,” she says softly.

“Harriet,” her mum repeats. “I'm Johannah. Jay. It's so good to meet you. Can I get you anything?”

“Cup of tea?” Lou suggests, and Harriet nods. Jay hurries off to oblige, leaving Lou and Harriet alone again.

Lou bites her lip.

“Girlfriend…is that okay?” she asks.

Harriet presses her lips together. “I… Yeah. To make it easier on your mum, yeah.”

Lou frowns. “But what should I call you? For me? For us.”

Harriet pauses from where she was grabbing their bags from the back seat and turns to look at Lou again. “How do you see us?”

Lou takes her bag, slinging it over her shoulder. “You're my person,” she shrugs. “I don't think we really need a label.”

Harriet smiles and leans in to kiss the top of her head.

“I like it,” she says, then takes a deep breath. “Okay, I'm ready to brave meeting the family.”

\--

The next couple hours are a whirlwind of activity as everyone fights for Harriet's attention. Lou feels just a bit neglected, but it gives her a chance to talk to her mum while everyone else is otherwise occupied. She curls up on the sofa with a fuzzy blanket and her third cup of tea and tells the whole story from the beginning.

By the time she's finished, her mother has her arms around her and is gently combing her fingers through her hair.

“Oh love, I'm so sorry. I had no idea it had gotten that bad.”

Lou closes her eyes, letting out a soft sigh.

“I signed up for this, mum. I knew what I was doing.”

Jay shakes her head. “You were so young. I should have done more. We were all just so wrapped up in the moment… Everything was so exciting for you…” She trails off. “It's no excuse. I should have paid more attention to what they were saying in all those meetings.”

“No mum, don't do that. No one is to blame, okay? Simone is just a sack of shit--sorry,” she apologizes, but her mum waves her off. “Our contract is up in a year, and I was going to just wait it out. It really hasn't been that bad until now. I mean, yeah, it sucks lying to my fans and hiding a part of myself, but no one else was getting hurt. Now…” She glances into the den where Harriet is currently acting as a human climbing gym for Ernie and Doris.

Jay reaches out to squeeze her hand. “You've got such a good heart,” she whispers, getting choked up with emotion.

“Mum don't cry. You know I can't handle crying.”

Jay laughs, a bit watery, and Lou almost loses it, but then Doris comes bounding into the room, going off about how she wants to make Harriet a fairy princess and she needs Lou’s ‘sparkle powder’.

“Go on,” Jay says with a smile, taking Lou's empty tea mug. “Don't keep the twins up too late. And no funny business. I know you're an adult, but this is still my house, and I won't hesitate to make your girlfriend sleep on the couch if I think something’s happening.”

“Mum!” Lou balks. It hadn't even crossed her mind. She would never think to do that with her whole family sleeping right down the hall.

They're both exhausted by the time they get to the guest room anyway. Lou falls into bed, still laughing as she looks at the mess on Harriet's face. Doris really likes purple, and it shows in the swirls of eyeshadow on Harriet's cheeks and across her nose.

Lou fishes some makeup wipes out of her duffle which Harriet gratefully accepts.

“Your family is great,” she says sleepily as she crawls under the blanket. Lou snuggles up next to her, tilting her head up to kiss her cheek.

“They love you,” she murmurs. Then, a second later, eyes closed and sleep beckoning her, “I love you.”

She hears a sharp intake of breath and almost panics, but then Harriet's arms are surrounding her, pulling her close.

“I love you too, Lou,” comes the muffled reply, somewhere near her ear.

_Not gonna cry. Not gonna cry_ , Lou repeats over and over in her head but it doesn't work. She hides her face in Harriet's chest, eyes moist, but grinning like crazy.

Harriet kisses the side of her head and then her cheek, nuzzling under her jaw. She trails her lips further down, over her collarbones, and then tugs the neck of her shirt to the side, toying with her bra strap.

“We can't… My mum…” Lou protests.

Harriet drags her lips over her breast along the line of her bra and then presses a kiss between them.

“We can be quiet,” she breathes against Lou’s skin. Lou shivers.

“Ha--”

“You can't just drop the L word on me and then not let me make you come.”

Lou has to clamp her hand over her mouth to muffle the scandalized sound that comes out.

Harriet laughs, lips humming against Lou's skin and eliciting another round of shivers.

“Okay. Okay,” Lou breathes. “Quiet, yeah?”

Harriet nods, and then slips under the sheets, pushing Lou's shirt up as she does. Lou drops her head back against the pillow, covering her eyes with her hands. She can't believe this is actually happening.

And then Harriet is tugging down her sweatpants and Lou is biting down on the back of her hand. The extent of her sexual activity has all been with Harriet, so this is all new. But she trusts her, probably with her life at this point to be honest, though her thoughts may be a little fuzzy right now because Harriet is pressing soft kisses to the inside of her thighs.

She moans softly, her hand still pressed to her mouth so no one will hear her. She can feel Harriet smile against her skin, and then she's tugging her panties down and Lou squeezes her eyes shut.

“Oh my god,” she whispers, involuntarily pushing her hips up as Harriet moves her lips to the most sensitive part of her. Harriet's tongue slips between her folds, dragging slowly until she finds her clit, and then swirling around and flicking over it, making Lou’s back arch up off the bed.

Harriet moves her hands up to Lou's hips, holding her steady and rubbing her thumbs along her hip bones. “Sound so pretty,” Harriet whispers, picking her head up for a second. “Wish I could hear you for real.” Her voice is husky and lust filled.

“You're evil,” Lou hisses through her fingers. And then she has to clench her jaw tight so she doesn't cry out as Harriet drags her teeth over her sensitive bud.

Harriet doesn't let up. She keeps licking and sucking until Lou is gripping the sheet like a vice in one hand, while the other is slapped over her mouth as she desperately tries to hold back her sounds of pleasure. Finally she can't take it any longer. Her hips rise up off the bed and her stomach muscles tense as she lets the sensations tear through her. Harriet doesn't pull away until she sinks back down on the bed, body trembling, and then she climbs back up to hover over her, hair hanging messily in front of her face and lips wet.

“Fuck, Lou, you taste so good.”

Lou's breathing too hard to respond, but she reaches up and pushes Harriet's hair out of the way so she can kiss her. As they're cuddling up against each other, Lou is jarred by the realization she's never done anything for Harriet, and she suddenly feels like the absolute worst. She ducks her head, embarrassment filling her.

“Hey, what's wrong?” Harriet asks, concern filling her voice as she tries to kiss Lou again.

“Nothing. I mean. I want to… I want to do that. But I don't know what I'm doing and I'm going to be shit at it, and that sucks because you deserve--”

“Shh, shh,” Harriet stood her. “It's okay, love. I'm not expecting anything. We can go slow, do things when you're comfortable, okay? No pressure.”

Lou still won't look up at Harriet. “Why are you so amazing?”

Harriet shakes her head, smiling softly. “I'm not. I just love you a whole fucking lot.”

Lou's smile is so wide it hurts as she presses up close against the other girl. “I love you,” she says again. She knows she's going to have a whole storm of shit to deal with in the morning, but tonight, right here, is absolute perfection, and she's not going to let anything else ruin it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback makes me very very happy. Much love to everyone who's commented or left kudos. You are all fabulous.
> 
> Come find me on [tumblr](http://adidasandangelwings.tumblr.com)!


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